It's Good to Talk (to the right people)

 

"I'm having endless conversations with the school about my son, because of his behaviour in lessons - he's lovely at home..."

What jumps out to me from this statement - which is one heard ad nauseum, seen all over social media, in every agony aunt (and uncle!) column, just with the gender of the child changed - and which is reflected in the adult world as "HR conversations about this completely unmanageable employee, who won't follow processes or take direction!" is that the wrong people are being engaged in conversation.

If your child's school are reporting discipline issues - talk to your child. Not by yelling at them, or telling them what the school told you, but in terms of:
. "Do you know what your teacher wants you to do when you're in a lesson?"
. "Do you understand why it's important that your friends feel you're being kind to them?"
The answer to these questions may be "No" - which begins a conversation from a very basic starting point, where every aspect is related back to experiences your child has directly had themselves.

If the answer is "Yes", then the conversation looks like:
. "So, why are you doing X/not doing Y, when you know that makes people feel angry with you, or it makes them feel bad about themselves?"
Your child may not be able to articulate what's going on for them - so break it down.
"Are you feeling that things are frightening or upsetting at school?"
"Are you worried that you can't do what your teacher wants you to do, or that people don't like you?"
"Are you finding things difficult, and you're not sure how to ask people to help you?"
LISTEN to your child when they answer. Actually hear them, and respect the truth of what they're saying. Don't bring your own judgement into things. Their responses will give you something to work on.

With adults, direct conversations are easier, but should follow the same format as those you might have with a child:
. Do you understand what's expected of you?
. Do you feel able to meet and manage those expectations?
. Do you know where to go for support, and do you feel comfortable asking for help?
. Is there anything going on that is impacting your ability to behave and perform to the expectations we've discussed?

So often, the reason someone "just isn't doing what they're supposed to!" is that you never actually told them what they were supposed to do.  "It's obvious! I shouldn't have to spell everything out for everyone - I don't have time!" But you made the time to raise the unmet expectations, which means you did have the time to just start with: "Be honest with me - do you know how to do XYZ?"

Communication (or the lack of it) is a constant issue raised by staff in almost every sector - while leadership often feel they're doing nothing but communicating!

Children are often just made to sit still and shut up while a constant stream of information is thrown at them; no one checks in to make sure they've understood one point before moving on to the next, and a lot of teachers forget that a 7yr old, or a 14yr old, is not just a smaller and more annoying adult. They don't have the life experience that allows them to extrapolate and summarise from incomplete data. They haven't completed a University degree. They don't read non-fiction books, they don't have friends with interesting jobs and obscure knowledge. Brain development also means it can be more challenging for children to think in abstracts - information needs to be situational, and tied to things they are interested in, and have direct, actual experience of.  For example, instead of talking about bullying as a concept, if you're dealing with teenagers, take a 'celebrity reality show', and use an episode with a lot of 'drama' (ie, bullying) to explore the concept in real terms - how do you think X person feels, why do you think Y person did/said what they did, what do you think the mood of the wider group is right now?

People often assume that because they can talk and write, they're "good at communicating."  No; they're good at talking and writing. Communication isn't about what you do; it's about how it's received.