Recently, my regional newspaper carried an article which cited that 25% of domestic violence victims are men.
That article was discussing a wider situation of a DV incident involving a same-sex male couple, which will immediately allow some people to claim that "See?! It's all still just violent men!"
Except, that 25% will be an understatement, because men are often focused on what is practical, and, in the UK, it's not practical to report domestic violence when you're a male victim.
Firstly, there are almost no refuges or support groups for men. (And, with support groups, especially online ones, when men set them up, they very quickly get inundated with women demanding access, because "something" about any of the hundreds of resources for women "doesn't appeal" to the women demanding access to spaces intended for men - when those same women would be outraged if men tried to access women's spaces with the "justification" of "Oh, but all the men's stuff is about pubs and sports, and that's not me!"...and, rapidly, the group just becomes "for anyone", and yet another male-specific resource is lost.)
Secondly, the immediate assumption is that a man is reporting being a victim of domestic violence to excuse his own complicity. Men are not victims of violent partners, certainly not violent female partners - they're "part of a mutually dysfunctional dynamic." They're "complaining about their partner defending herself." The first question asked to a male DV victim is "What did you do?"
Finally, men have a very steep trust threshold. It's not going to be as simple as "take him aside, and quietly ask if everything's alright at home." Men are both primed and socialised to "figure things out for themselves", which creates a significant barrier to seeking help. This barrier is heightened when it is known that reaching out for help will typically be at best ignored, or at worst treated as an admission of guilt. With domestic violence, heterosexual men also feel they will be judged as "weak" and "unable to control 'their' woman", while gay and bi men in same sex relationships are very aware that heterosexual peoples' belief that "all gay relationships are toxic and doomed to fail" is only very lightly veiled by the cloak of "Political Correctness", and any disclosure will just "prove" that "same sex relationships are unnatural and wrong" to heterosexual people. That awareness of other peoples' judgements and prejudices is an additional raising of an already considerable barrier to men seeking help.
The steep trust threshold ties in to the male loneliness epidemic - which is not real in the terms it is most often discussed online, but is real in its impact.
Increasingly, men are being separated from opportunities to develop friendships by changes in working styles, shifts in expectations around their presence in and contribution to the home, and the rising cost of living, which, in the face of stagnant wages, makes accessing social opportunities more challenging.
While these impacts are true for women as well - the shifts in the expectations around women's presence in and contribution to the home are more around how much childcare their parents will pick up, rather than what is specifically expected of them - they impact men more because of the steeper trust threshold, meaning that more casual connections very rarely become the kinds of friendships where advice is sought, or vulnerabilities are shared, whereas for many women, confidences are shared quite readily, with connection feeling like friendship quite quickly, if it's going to feel like friendship at any point.
Domestic violence doesn't always take the "obvious" form when men are victims, either. There may not be unexplained bruises, increased absences.
Instead, he may be constantly on his phone - but seem stressed about that.
He may always have an excuse as to why he can't attend after-work events, or why he can't stay late.
He may arrive late often, with unconvincing excuses.
He may need to borrow money, or ask to share lunch.
Men typically abuse through direct, physical violence.
Women more commonly use coercive control, financial control, and emotional manipulation - while these tactics don't leave physical damage, the harm they do is significantly harder to recover from, and takes far longer to recalibrate from, than the injuries caused by physical violence.
All genders use stalking, threats, and harassment as abuse tactics.
Most of us don't like the idea of abuse.
That's a good thing.
However, in the UK, the way British people respond to things they don't like is typically to pretend they're not happening, if they possibly can.
And domestic abuse against men is very easy to take the "pretend it doesn't happen" approach to.
Social media screams "Yes, all men!" It stamps its feet and insists that every single man is just a rapist who is also a coward, and they therefore deserve to be punished.
Men themselves tend to respond to stress, frustration, and insecurity with aggression, which adds to the belief that "men can't be victims."
Men cope with things alone, and relatively quietly - often with loud energy, but silent voices. They're not crying in the bathroom at work. They're not sobbing at their desks. They're not screaming about being triggered.
Upset, hurting men are both easy to ignore, and somewhat frightening to observe.
So, what can we do?
That article was discussing a wider situation of a DV incident involving a same-sex male couple, which will immediately allow some people to claim that "See?! It's all still just violent men!"
Except, that 25% will be an understatement, because men are often focused on what is practical, and, in the UK, it's not practical to report domestic violence when you're a male victim.
Firstly, there are almost no refuges or support groups for men. (And, with support groups, especially online ones, when men set them up, they very quickly get inundated with women demanding access, because "something" about any of the hundreds of resources for women "doesn't appeal" to the women demanding access to spaces intended for men - when those same women would be outraged if men tried to access women's spaces with the "justification" of "Oh, but all the men's stuff is about pubs and sports, and that's not me!"...and, rapidly, the group just becomes "for anyone", and yet another male-specific resource is lost.)
Secondly, the immediate assumption is that a man is reporting being a victim of domestic violence to excuse his own complicity. Men are not victims of violent partners, certainly not violent female partners - they're "part of a mutually dysfunctional dynamic." They're "complaining about their partner defending herself." The first question asked to a male DV victim is "What did you do?"
Finally, men have a very steep trust threshold. It's not going to be as simple as "take him aside, and quietly ask if everything's alright at home." Men are both primed and socialised to "figure things out for themselves", which creates a significant barrier to seeking help. This barrier is heightened when it is known that reaching out for help will typically be at best ignored, or at worst treated as an admission of guilt. With domestic violence, heterosexual men also feel they will be judged as "weak" and "unable to control 'their' woman", while gay and bi men in same sex relationships are very aware that heterosexual peoples' belief that "all gay relationships are toxic and doomed to fail" is only very lightly veiled by the cloak of "Political Correctness", and any disclosure will just "prove" that "same sex relationships are unnatural and wrong" to heterosexual people. That awareness of other peoples' judgements and prejudices is an additional raising of an already considerable barrier to men seeking help.
The steep trust threshold ties in to the male loneliness epidemic - which is not real in the terms it is most often discussed online, but is real in its impact.
Increasingly, men are being separated from opportunities to develop friendships by changes in working styles, shifts in expectations around their presence in and contribution to the home, and the rising cost of living, which, in the face of stagnant wages, makes accessing social opportunities more challenging.
While these impacts are true for women as well - the shifts in the expectations around women's presence in and contribution to the home are more around how much childcare their parents will pick up, rather than what is specifically expected of them - they impact men more because of the steeper trust threshold, meaning that more casual connections very rarely become the kinds of friendships where advice is sought, or vulnerabilities are shared, whereas for many women, confidences are shared quite readily, with connection feeling like friendship quite quickly, if it's going to feel like friendship at any point.
Domestic violence doesn't always take the "obvious" form when men are victims, either. There may not be unexplained bruises, increased absences.
Instead, he may be constantly on his phone - but seem stressed about that.
He may always have an excuse as to why he can't attend after-work events, or why he can't stay late.
He may arrive late often, with unconvincing excuses.
He may need to borrow money, or ask to share lunch.
Men typically abuse through direct, physical violence.
Women more commonly use coercive control, financial control, and emotional manipulation - while these tactics don't leave physical damage, the harm they do is significantly harder to recover from, and takes far longer to recalibrate from, than the injuries caused by physical violence.
All genders use stalking, threats, and harassment as abuse tactics.
Most of us don't like the idea of abuse.
That's a good thing.
However, in the UK, the way British people respond to things they don't like is typically to pretend they're not happening, if they possibly can.
And domestic abuse against men is very easy to take the "pretend it doesn't happen" approach to.
Social media screams "Yes, all men!" It stamps its feet and insists that every single man is just a rapist who is also a coward, and they therefore deserve to be punished.
Men themselves tend to respond to stress, frustration, and insecurity with aggression, which adds to the belief that "men can't be victims."
Men cope with things alone, and relatively quietly - often with loud energy, but silent voices. They're not crying in the bathroom at work. They're not sobbing at their desks. They're not screaming about being triggered.
Upset, hurting men are both easy to ignore, and somewhat frightening to observe.
So, what can we do?
What's needed is male-specific spaces which are firmly, but not aggressively, defended against women. Including trans women. Trans women are harmed in the same ways, and often for the same reason, as cis women; they have the same rights to be in spaces for women who are victims of domestic violence. Trans men sometimes fall into a grey area, often depending on the gender of their partners, where they can be abused in every way; however, if a trans man feels his abuse is something he is safer sharing in a space for men, he should be included in that space.
Cisgender women have no place in spaces intended for men. Just as cisgender men have no place in spaces intended for women. Why do we see the latter as completely "obvious" and "right", yet the former raises hackles, and gets shrieks of indignation about "sexism" and "exclusivity"? For the same reason as abuse of men by women is often justified; suspicion. Men spending time with men is suspicious. Men wanting to have time away from their family is suspicious. Men are up to something if they are not loving on their families, or working to "provide for" the family, and it's therefore normal that women in their lives would become enraged by this suspicious behaviour, and, in their "overstimulation", to "accidentally" assault their male partners. (FYI: "I was overstimulated!" is increasingly being used by women to justify completely unacceptable behaviour; you are not 5yrs old. You are an adult. Learn to manage your own emotions. Learn to communicate your needs, wants, and expectations. Assault is never an "accident" - I have become enraged with people; I have left the room, and ensured they could not follow me. I have stayed gone until I was calm again. When you assault someone outside of self-defence? You made a choice to not remove yourself from the situation.)
Men need spaces to be exclusively with other men.
The lower trust threshold for women means that there is a far higher tendency for women to share confidences they have been given by others with women who are very casual acquaintances, which feels very threatening for men - and, actually, often is threatening, because how many degrees of remove really are there between the woman gossiping at the supermarket and the woman a man has problems with, which he has been talking out in what he believed to be a safe space? How quickly do women escalate when they feel they're being criticised? How readily will escalation become abuse behind closed doors?
It will take time to establish those spaces, and more time to build up to the male trust threshold.
In the meantime:
. STOP phrases such as "Yes, all men!", "Men are useless, aren't they?" "Ugh, men!" Stop saying them yourself. Stop allowing your teams, colleagues, and friends to say them.
. STOP presenting emotional volatility from women as "understandable" or something "funny". You wouldn't tolerate a man throwing things and raising his voice - don't tolerate a shrieking, stationery-slinging woman who is stamping through the workspace and slamming doors, either.
. STOP allowing women to deflect accountability for their behaviour with "I was overstimulated", "Well, if he'd helped/if he hadn't done", "He took a tone with me". We are not responsible for other peoples' failures, missteps, or arseholery - we are responsible for remaining calm and behaving decently in the face of all of those things.
. ALLOW GENDERED GROUPS. Include trans people - no, the Supreme Court hasn't said you're "not allowed to" - their ruling is you are not obliged to. But experiences are typically connected to gender more than genitals. Yes, if your group works on somatic processing by getting naked, it'd be worth flagging that, and, if the expectation is that everyone in that group is a woman with a vagina, or a man with a penis, state that, without making it a "fault" of trans and intersex people for existing, but, otherwise, if people are keeping their clothes on, there shouldn't be an issue with trans people being included in gender-congruent groups. If someone else has a problem with their presence? That person has the right to find another group - but not to drive someone else out.
If you're establishing male and female groups, establish a mixed group as well - not all cis people feel comfortable in single-sex groups. But DON'T promote one group over another, and don't timetable things so that people are forced to join the "mixed" group, because, oh, wow, look at that - the workload just doesn't make sense for them attending a single sex group! Put all the groups on at the same time, on the same day, in the same venue. Hire external facilitators if you need to.
Cisgender women have no place in spaces intended for men. Just as cisgender men have no place in spaces intended for women. Why do we see the latter as completely "obvious" and "right", yet the former raises hackles, and gets shrieks of indignation about "sexism" and "exclusivity"? For the same reason as abuse of men by women is often justified; suspicion. Men spending time with men is suspicious. Men wanting to have time away from their family is suspicious. Men are up to something if they are not loving on their families, or working to "provide for" the family, and it's therefore normal that women in their lives would become enraged by this suspicious behaviour, and, in their "overstimulation", to "accidentally" assault their male partners. (FYI: "I was overstimulated!" is increasingly being used by women to justify completely unacceptable behaviour; you are not 5yrs old. You are an adult. Learn to manage your own emotions. Learn to communicate your needs, wants, and expectations. Assault is never an "accident" - I have become enraged with people; I have left the room, and ensured they could not follow me. I have stayed gone until I was calm again. When you assault someone outside of self-defence? You made a choice to not remove yourself from the situation.)
Men need spaces to be exclusively with other men.
The lower trust threshold for women means that there is a far higher tendency for women to share confidences they have been given by others with women who are very casual acquaintances, which feels very threatening for men - and, actually, often is threatening, because how many degrees of remove really are there between the woman gossiping at the supermarket and the woman a man has problems with, which he has been talking out in what he believed to be a safe space? How quickly do women escalate when they feel they're being criticised? How readily will escalation become abuse behind closed doors?
It will take time to establish those spaces, and more time to build up to the male trust threshold.
In the meantime:
. STOP phrases such as "Yes, all men!", "Men are useless, aren't they?" "Ugh, men!" Stop saying them yourself. Stop allowing your teams, colleagues, and friends to say them.
. STOP presenting emotional volatility from women as "understandable" or something "funny". You wouldn't tolerate a man throwing things and raising his voice - don't tolerate a shrieking, stationery-slinging woman who is stamping through the workspace and slamming doors, either.
. STOP allowing women to deflect accountability for their behaviour with "I was overstimulated", "Well, if he'd helped/if he hadn't done", "He took a tone with me". We are not responsible for other peoples' failures, missteps, or arseholery - we are responsible for remaining calm and behaving decently in the face of all of those things.
. ALLOW GENDERED GROUPS. Include trans people - no, the Supreme Court hasn't said you're "not allowed to" - their ruling is you are not obliged to. But experiences are typically connected to gender more than genitals. Yes, if your group works on somatic processing by getting naked, it'd be worth flagging that, and, if the expectation is that everyone in that group is a woman with a vagina, or a man with a penis, state that, without making it a "fault" of trans and intersex people for existing, but, otherwise, if people are keeping their clothes on, there shouldn't be an issue with trans people being included in gender-congruent groups. If someone else has a problem with their presence? That person has the right to find another group - but not to drive someone else out.
If you're establishing male and female groups, establish a mixed group as well - not all cis people feel comfortable in single-sex groups. But DON'T promote one group over another, and don't timetable things so that people are forced to join the "mixed" group, because, oh, wow, look at that - the workload just doesn't make sense for them attending a single sex group! Put all the groups on at the same time, on the same day, in the same venue. Hire external facilitators if you need to.
(The Productive Pessimist can help with that - email us: theproductivepessimist@yahoo.com) Include options for remote attendance for all groups.
If you receive a disclosure from a man, do not respond "What happened before?", "Wow, she doesn't seem like that kind of person!", "He's always seemed really gentle and easygoing to me","What did you do?", or anything on those lines. Receive the disclosure calmly, without judgement. Keep your expression and your voice neutral. Repeat back the key details, for verbal confirmation. Ask if the person disclosing is safe right now, or, if not, what would be needed for them to be made safe. Ask if they would like you to support them in making a formal report to authorities. (If they are an adult who is not classed as vulnerable, they must report for themselves - and they may not wish to do that. And that has to be okay.)
If you receive a disclosure from a man, do not respond "What happened before?", "Wow, she doesn't seem like that kind of person!", "He's always seemed really gentle and easygoing to me","What did you do?", or anything on those lines. Receive the disclosure calmly, without judgement. Keep your expression and your voice neutral. Repeat back the key details, for verbal confirmation. Ask if the person disclosing is safe right now, or, if not, what would be needed for them to be made safe. Ask if they would like you to support them in making a formal report to authorities. (If they are an adult who is not classed as vulnerable, they must report for themselves - and they may not wish to do that. And that has to be okay.)
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