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I don't normally do personal deep dives on this blog, which is, after all, my professional presence as The Productive Pessimist Ltd.
In the past - in jobs, when building connections and relationships, in social media discourse, and yes, in blog posts - I've apologised for "going into all of that" or "going on about me". In several jobs, I've been made to apologise - and to feel ashamed - for mentioning personal challenges I was facing. In my first office-based job, aged 21, on my first day, I was told, directly: "When you come to work, you leave all your personal shit at the front door of your own house. You're not you, here; you're the company, and the company doesn't have headaches, the company isn't tired, the company isn't worried about how it's going to pay its rent, the company doesn't have family members or friends who die, that it gets sad about. You're being paid to be the company for 10 hours a day, five days a week. If you can't do that, f-k off."
It took me years to become someone, after I left that business, who wasn't getting criticised for "not being a team player", because I was "too stand-offish - you never talk like a normal person, about normal stuff."
Then, in my most recent job, it was back to "Don't talk about personal things - it causes people anxiety." (Really? How the hell do you think I felt, actually having to live with about three times as much stuff as I ever mentioned at work?) The "personal things" I was talking about? The impact of my disability, and the challenges I was facing trying to combine work and kinship care.
Yes. I am a disabled person. And a Universal Credit claimant. Let's go into that, shall we? Disability first, I think.
In the past - in jobs, when building connections and relationships, in social media discourse, and yes, in blog posts - I've apologised for "going into all of that" or "going on about me". In several jobs, I've been made to apologise - and to feel ashamed - for mentioning personal challenges I was facing. In my first office-based job, aged 21, on my first day, I was told, directly: "When you come to work, you leave all your personal shit at the front door of your own house. You're not you, here; you're the company, and the company doesn't have headaches, the company isn't tired, the company isn't worried about how it's going to pay its rent, the company doesn't have family members or friends who die, that it gets sad about. You're being paid to be the company for 10 hours a day, five days a week. If you can't do that, f-k off."
It took me years to become someone, after I left that business, who wasn't getting criticised for "not being a team player", because I was "too stand-offish - you never talk like a normal person, about normal stuff."
Then, in my most recent job, it was back to "Don't talk about personal things - it causes people anxiety." (Really? How the hell do you think I felt, actually having to live with about three times as much stuff as I ever mentioned at work?) The "personal things" I was talking about? The impact of my disability, and the challenges I was facing trying to combine work and kinship care.
Yes. I am a disabled person. And a Universal Credit claimant. Let's go into that, shall we? Disability first, I think.
My major, highest-impact disability is sight loss.
I'm registered legally blind, and, as such, medically banned from driving.
I currently have no peripheral vision at all, no vision at all in my right eye - not even the awareness of light or movement - and 40% centre field vision in my left eye.
That 40% is in active degeneration.
The clinical view is I'll be completely blind within 10-15 years. That is, I will have no usable vision at all.
In 15 years' time, I'll be 53. With an expectation that I'll give the UK government at least another 20yrs of graft, NI contributions, and Income Tax returns.
That's why I'm so desperate to build up The Productive Pessimist Ltd to the point of being viable, with a stable, reliable, decent income coming in every month - because I don't know any job I will actually be able to do for 20 years after I've lost the last of my sight.
I have four diagnosed, confirmed sight loss conditions:
FEVR
Macular Degeneration
Glaucoma
Binocular Vision Dysfunction
I'm currently waiting for further testing to confirm a possible fifth condition, Retinitis Pigmentosa.
I also have cataracts.
The FEVR is in rapid degeneration, as is the macular degeneration. Neither the FEVR, the glaucoma, nor the cataracts can be addressed by surgical intervention, because all of the separate conditions together have rendered my eyes, on a structural level, too unstable to withstand surgery. I have been told, by highly qualified clinicians, that it would only be possible to maybe save my distance vision; it was actually broached with me as "how important is reading to you?"
Reading is really important, not just to me, but to my work.
I am currently trying to get used to using screen readers.
I have to use such high magnification on computer displays that, in a workplace, I need a 40-50" monitor in order to be able to work at any kind of pace; when I'm able to work at my own pace, I can - a little bit awkwardly - work on a laptop of at least 17". But it's slow. It's awkward. It's not smooth or professional.
I am completely night-blind - that means, if I'm not permitted to work fully remotely, I have to leave an on-site location by 4pm, if it's local to me, from November-March, and potentially by 2.30-3pm if I'm further away, so that I can safely navigate to get home.
I am banned from driving, for obvious reasons - that blocks me from even applying for a lot of jobs, who insist that "a full UK driving licence and own transport" is absolutely a "mandatory requirement" for their office-based jobs, or else have chosen to set up in the back of beyond, with no public transport connection.
Screen readers are...not always as intuitive as you'd think they would be, and most "native" screen reading technology, built in to operating systems like Chrome and Microsoft, doesn't work well with the niche, highly customised back office systems most offices use.
I lost my last job because of all the aspects of our project management protocols I couldn't complete myself, either because they were graphic elements which required a considerable amount of digital manipulation, which I couldn't see well enough to even attempt, or because I got "lost" in a document or process that JAWS (a proprietary screen reader, that turned out to be worse than useless - more on that later) couldn't navigate itself, and therefore wasn't able to guide me through.
I was, however, recognised by a highly experienced, and very professional, consultancy colleague as being an "excellent, and really capable" (his words, not mine) project manager - I just needed to do the project admin on a Word document, which I could do, in a way that was clear and concise for others to follow. My way of working wasn't a problem for that colleague; it was for my leadership team.
I can't engage with videos easily, or PowerPoint displays at all - however, in the case of PowerPoints, if I'm emailed the slide deck 24-48hrs ahead, and it's not too graphic-heavy, I can usually pick up the gist of it, and make notes for myself, ahead of the presentation.
I do not have enough usable vision to navigate in unfamilar locations; I can't see street signs easily (mostly I can't see them at all), I can't identify landmarks until I'm literally right on top of them, I genuinely won't see small side turnings, private entrances, etc, I can't read premises numbers/names from the pavement.
I can't read medication labels, or syringe dosage marks. My ability to distinguish between white, light blue, and light green is rapidly vanishing - all of which makes jobs in patient-focused healthcare...not really feasible.
I can't see touchscreens or digital displays easily - I can't see them at all in strong natural light - and I'm increasingly mistaking 10pence pieces for pound coins. I can't see more than 4-5ft ahead of me clearly (even with glasses, anything beyond that becomes a blurred mist), and I can't easily read small price labels, or find small, inaccessible barcodes - all of which suggests retail probably wouldn't work out too well - I could probably work in car sales, because the price displays on showroom vehicles are huge - but I can't drive, so I suspect that'd be an issue. (It's not just I'm "not allowed to" - I've never been able to avoid crashing in dodgems, I will crash spectacularly on arcade games, and I once crashed so badly in a go-kart that I took out a sapling tree, set the engine block on fire, and basically welded my nylon trackies to my leg... Prior to me rocking up, the worst thing that'd happened at that track was "people spin off the hairpin there, and hit the hay bales"...somehow, none of that sounds good for moving expensive vehicles around a showroom forecourt.)
My binocular vision dysfunction causes issues with my depth perception and spatial awareness. The wider sight loss challenges mean I struggle to navigate in busy, crowded spaces, especially where there is a lot of noise, and I can't see at all in low or coloured (neon, blue, red) light. I regularly bump into and trip over furniture in my own home - all of which suggests hospitality wouldn't be ideal, even if I weren't night blind, and had a reliable way to get home after a late close.
So, that's the main disability out of the way. Onto the other issues, which I typically simply call "health challenges", rather than "disabilities", as they're not as high-impact as the sight loss.
I have Auditory Processing Disorder - and no, Telegraph columnists and medical "experts", I've never used noise-cancelling headphones in my life.
The Auditory Processing Disorder (APD) means I often genuinely cannot understand someone, even when they are speaking clearly, in unaccented English - and there's only so many times you can say "I'm sorry, I didn't quite hear that, could you repeat it, please?" before you sound either rude, or stupid.
APD makes telephone calls challenging, if I'm not able to control the background noise my end (for example, I get an unscheduled phone call), or if the other person has a lot of background noise going on.
I struggle to hear in open plan offices and other busy environments, with everything just becoming a "soup" of indistinguishable sound.
I also have very mild actual hearing loss - most significantly in my left ear. (If the useless eye and the useless ear could be on the same side, that would be fantastic, but, no...) This means I strongly prefer written communication - not ideal in an increasingly verbal and auditory world.
The hearing loss/APD combo also makes getting to full grips with screen readers...more than a little challenging.
I have schizophrenia - that's been with me since 2007, and is mostly fairly well managed at the moment. And yes, for those of you wondering, it is possible for a blind schizophrenic to have visual hallucinations, although, as my sight has deteriorated, my hallucinations have become more auditory in nature.
The schizophrenia is paranoid schizophrenia, and includes intrusive thoughts around harming people I believe are "plotting against" me, "following" me, or "in league with" some shadowy organisation that's manipulating global events. (No, the current situation in America is really not helping, thanks for asking.) This can lead to me making wild, probably unjustified, accusations and becoming dysfunctionally agitated.
I can become fixated on particular things, and aggressively insistent about them, sometimes to the point of harming myself or other people.
My emotional landscape is generally quite "flat", which many people find disconcerting, but, when something breaks through, I have no emotional control, and no awareness of my reactions. I've picked up and thrown desks at people before (I got told about that afterwards). I'll 'come to' with injuries that don't hurt, but which I don't remember getting, in completely trashed rooms. I've clawed chunks out of a fabric headboard, and left scratch marks in a wall - as far as I was concerned, I'd "had a really good night's sleep."
I have anxiety and depression (who doesn't, honestly?) and, currently, the depression includes active suicidal intent. That means I don't just "feel like I should kill myself" - I have a very concrete, time-bound, specific plan.
I also have an agreement to only follow through the plan if things haven't improved significantly by a particular date (1st November 2025, if you thought you might care about it. You're certainly not obliged to.) I've been medicated before, but, at this point, I don't feel it's safe for me to have any more medication readily accessible than I already do - my plan is calm, but my emotional state is...volatile. I don't want to have an easy way to do something I don't explicitly want to do right now.
Finally (yes, the laundry list of all that ails me does end!) I have chronic IBS-D. I manage that as best I can by diet and lifestyle, and medication as required, but it is stress-triggered. "Stress", as far as my body is concerned, can be anything from "the world is literally ending" to "I got slightly colder than I would prefer to be", and everything in between. It makes "just avoid stress" a bit of a tall order, honestly.
I also have a dodgy ankle (no muscle fibres, and a torn Achilles' tendon which healed badly), a dodgy hip (green fracture from a fall which left lasting pain), and upper back pain (been investigated, no obvious cause), but, let's be real; I'm 38; it'd be unreasonable to expect my body to have made it this far without picking up some nicks and scrapes along the way. I'm mostly fine, other than in really bad cold and damp, or if I'm daft, and do far more than I know I sensibly can manage, as far as the bodily wear and tear issues go.
Why the hell am I on Universal Credit and Running a Business?!
The business isn't generating any income.
I don't have any capital, financial or social, to support it, or to actually live on while I try and get some paying clients.
As I've mentioned, I lost my most recent job in January 2023, owing to the impact of my sight loss on my ability to navigate project management documentation. (And intolerance on the part of my employer - I wasn't the only disabled person they got rid of around that time...) I am married, with pets, and, even if it was just me, and considered completely fine if I starved to death while I tried to pull things together - I didn't have enough money to my name to even pay for a basic cremation, so it would have still cost the State to dispose of what passes for my mortal remains. (Why we can't just toss people into landfill, I don't know - we'll biodegrade quicker than 90% of the built-in-obsolecence and fast fashion that's already there...)
It. Costs. Money to look for and apply for jobs.
You have to have reliable, regular access to the internet.
You have to buy local newspapers, and sector-specific magazines, when these carry job adverts.
You have to be able to afford public transport costs, petrol, parking, to travel around your local and wider area to look for jobs advertised in windows.
It. Costs. Money to be presentable for, and get to, interviews.
My suit was from a charity shop - it still cost £15.
My shoes are from ShoeZone - they still cost £17.99.
Over the years, I've collected half a dozen ties, almost all from charity shops - they cost between £1-2 each.
I buy almost all my shirts from charity shops - they cost £3-5 each.
I can't see well enough to do even a basic buzz cut on my own hair, so a visit to the barber's, before an interview, is usually advisable; depending which barber I go to, that's £10-12. For a basic buzz.
I have a disabled bus pass, but, if I have to leave before 9.30am to be at an interview on time, it's £3.00
I don't have a rail pass, because I use the train so infrequently the £30 a year fee wouldn't be worth it; if I need to take the train, because that gets me closer to where the interview is, it's £9.10 return to my nearest city.
It. Costs. Money to try and start a business.
I recently had to submit my Confirmation Statement to Companies House - they charged me £34 for the privilege.
In preparing my accounts, I saw that I'd spent £286 just on the very basic set up, stationery, and some networking attendance admin-level dross to start The Productive Pessimist Ltd. It would take me 7 Discovery Sessions - the 'entry-point' consultancy we offer, priced at £45 for a 90minute focused interview with all relevant stakeholders, and two further follow ups of up to 30minutes each - to get back the money I spent starting the business. In just over a year, I've had precisely 0 of those. Or of anything else.
I brought domain names - then couldn't figure out how to get them set up with this blog, which I'd already started after I'd been told my sight loss would prevent me from ever being considered for progression in my most recent PAYE role, and I decided to try and get a side hustle going, planning to jump, but ending up getting pushed instead. No one would actually come and do the process (whatever it actually is) for me, because I couldn't afford to pay them. So that was a very literal waste of money.
I've got an Investment Pitch Deck ready to go - but, when you're raised by a slaughterhouse electrician, and his mentally ill wife, who eventually, in your teens, rouses herself to stumble into the care sector, in a rural, working-class community, and you never have enough money to live in communities which are not working class, you don't really get to meet investors. Or learn how to approach them when your life doesn't really allow for smooth, flawless, glossy businesses - it's more scrap, scrabble, and drag everything you've got from the jaws of defeat.
I applied to go on next year's series of The Apprentice - but I couldn't afford to get to London on a week's notice for the filtering day. I wouldn't have been able to arrange for anyone to support me in London, on the day. (Are there still such things as sighted guides? If so, how do you get hold of them? Do you have to pay?)
It. Costs. Money to remain alive.
I'm obliged to top up my prepayment electric meter to clear the standing charge, even if I were to never use electricity.
I'd still get a water bill, even if I never turned on a tap, and never flushed the toilet - groundwater and rain still drain through my guttering, my sewage pipes, into the aspect of the sewers I get charged sewage rates for.
My town council believe I should pay them £120 a year for the dubious "privilege" of living here, my district council would like £128 a year, while my county council are pleased to inform me they believe they provide me with over £1k's worth of services annually (something I very much doubt, but there's no way to argue with them...), and then the Police and Crime Commissioner would like almost £200 a year. Even if I literally never left my house, never ate, never flushed the toilet, never drank tap water, and never engaged in any activity in my house, I'm obliged to stump up.
I am fortunate in that I own my house outright - except not that fortunate, because that's only the case because my Dad died 13yrs ago, when he was 61, and had diligently paid into life insurance through two rounds of recession-linked unemployment, and seven months of terminal illness. I received a half-share - £75,000 - and was able to find the house I'll probably be obliged to remain in for £69,500. I experienced homelessness, insecure housing, and having to return to live with a violent abuser prior to getting roof-over-head security, to which I can't actually afford to make some pretty major repairs the insurers won't cover.
If my Dad hadn't died...I might well have done, because it wouldn't have been safe for me to remain living with the violent abuser, and, even though I was employed at the time, I didn't earn enough to be accepted for any private sector rents. I am a trans man, and the 'man' part was enough for my local authority to directly tell me "We're not obliged to house males. You're not at risk if you end up sleeping rough." (Everyone is at risk if they're rough sleeping, ffs...)
I do not live in an area where people pay masculine-looking, male-identified folk whose dicks are dishwasher safe for sex. Even if I did, or I could get to another area, that sort of thing happens after dark, and we've already established I'm night blind.
I tried to register for OnlyFans - they expect you to have "government issued photographic ID" - in theory, that should include my disabled bus pass, which would be acceptable ID for arriving in Jersey by ferry - but is not acceptable for parading myself on the internet.
I could probably sell my wife's underwear somewhere online, as "lightly worn" - but then most of whatever people pay for that sort of thing would have to go on replacing it.
The Right to Work checks, part and parcel of State-sanctioned racism, mean you can't just "go and get a cash in hand job as a waiter or something" - and we've already explored just how bad my sight loss would make me at actually doing food service, anyway.
People in my area do not want naked waiters at private dinner parties. People in my area don't have private dinner parties - they think they're fancy if "tea" is Burger King, rather than McDonalds.
If I could drive, I could probably do Yodel, Evri, taxi work - but I can't, so there's that.
In theory, if I had a bike, I could do Deliveroo and Just Eat - but I can't see well enough to ride safely in the insane level of traffic we have, day in, day out. Plus I can't see house numbers. Or touchscreens. I probably wouldn't actually be able to read the label on the order, honestly, especially if it was raining, so my glasses were useless. And I can't afford a bike.
The local market seems to be pretty well saturated with drug dealers, and, besides, I can't afford to buy the product to get started. And I've always been absolutely hopeless at sales. (That's nothing to do with any disability - I'm just crap at it.)
Dog walking, pet sitting - you have to have insurance, and you're expected to take the darlings to nice places, which means being able to drive. Plus, there's loads of bloody dog walkers setting up round here.
When I was in my teens, before the expectations of vehicles and insurance came about, I did do dog walking, and pet sitting, and really enjoyed it. But now? I wouldn't be able to compete with someone who can load half a dozen dogs into a van, and let them off lead in a wood for an hour.
Same thing happened in my twenties with proofreading and copywriting, which I used to do freelance - initially, I got priced out by teenagers in India, who could work for £2 a time, and now they'll have been put out of a job by AI. (Plus I can't actually see well enough to proofread anyway, now...)
Because I can't drive, I have no hope of getting enough clients for cleaning or gardening to make even basic living - and I'm crap at gardening, too. I can dig holes, I can pull weeds, I can push a lawn mower, but that's about it. I literally kill anything green that is in earth I'm responsible for. And I have had horrifically bad experiences with peoples' attitudes around the idea that a man knows how a mop and vacuum cleaner works, and that the tile in the shower needs to be cleaned, as well...
I would go in for bare-knuckle boxing - I used to be a pretty handy kickboxer, before I knackered my ankle - but it's probably held somewhere I can't get to on public transport. Plus, I'm not supposed to engage in "extreme" sports, because my retina is apparently exceptionally fragile, and my optic nerve is already very badly damaged... (Ffs, eyes...man up! You don't get anywhere being some woke snowflake soyboy, you know!)
So, Universal Credit it is.
Officially, I've been tossed into the government's Outer Darkness for the Most Reprehensible and Irrepentent of All Sinners, Limited Capacity for Work Related Activity - that was a work coach's decision, not mine, and based on the impracticality of many of the work-related activity claimant commitments, given the extent and impact of my disabilities and health issues, my limited ability to travel, my kinship care responsibilities, and the recent previous experience I'd had with two separate employers, who both kicked me out for being disabled, whilst both identifying as Disability Confident.
As you've seen, I'm trying to get a business established, with literally no resources, financial, social, logistic, or otherwise, and I'm also applying for jobs. Just this morning I had three "thanks, but no thanks" emails, and I was also rejected, without interview, from a job with an organisation I'd previously volunteered with, and where they'd said they'd really enjoyed having me. (Lesson learned - there is literally no benefit to giving away your labour.)
Well, what do you want from a job, then?
The business isn't generating any income.
I don't have any capital, financial or social, to support it, or to actually live on while I try and get some paying clients.
As I've mentioned, I lost my most recent job in January 2023, owing to the impact of my sight loss on my ability to navigate project management documentation. (And intolerance on the part of my employer - I wasn't the only disabled person they got rid of around that time...) I am married, with pets, and, even if it was just me, and considered completely fine if I starved to death while I tried to pull things together - I didn't have enough money to my name to even pay for a basic cremation, so it would have still cost the State to dispose of what passes for my mortal remains. (Why we can't just toss people into landfill, I don't know - we'll biodegrade quicker than 90% of the built-in-obsolecence and fast fashion that's already there...)
It. Costs. Money to look for and apply for jobs.
You have to have reliable, regular access to the internet.
You have to buy local newspapers, and sector-specific magazines, when these carry job adverts.
You have to be able to afford public transport costs, petrol, parking, to travel around your local and wider area to look for jobs advertised in windows.
It. Costs. Money to be presentable for, and get to, interviews.
My suit was from a charity shop - it still cost £15.
My shoes are from ShoeZone - they still cost £17.99.
Over the years, I've collected half a dozen ties, almost all from charity shops - they cost between £1-2 each.
I buy almost all my shirts from charity shops - they cost £3-5 each.
I can't see well enough to do even a basic buzz cut on my own hair, so a visit to the barber's, before an interview, is usually advisable; depending which barber I go to, that's £10-12. For a basic buzz.
I have a disabled bus pass, but, if I have to leave before 9.30am to be at an interview on time, it's £3.00
I don't have a rail pass, because I use the train so infrequently the £30 a year fee wouldn't be worth it; if I need to take the train, because that gets me closer to where the interview is, it's £9.10 return to my nearest city.
It. Costs. Money to try and start a business.
I recently had to submit my Confirmation Statement to Companies House - they charged me £34 for the privilege.
In preparing my accounts, I saw that I'd spent £286 just on the very basic set up, stationery, and some networking attendance admin-level dross to start The Productive Pessimist Ltd. It would take me 7 Discovery Sessions - the 'entry-point' consultancy we offer, priced at £45 for a 90minute focused interview with all relevant stakeholders, and two further follow ups of up to 30minutes each - to get back the money I spent starting the business. In just over a year, I've had precisely 0 of those. Or of anything else.
I brought domain names - then couldn't figure out how to get them set up with this blog, which I'd already started after I'd been told my sight loss would prevent me from ever being considered for progression in my most recent PAYE role, and I decided to try and get a side hustle going, planning to jump, but ending up getting pushed instead. No one would actually come and do the process (whatever it actually is) for me, because I couldn't afford to pay them. So that was a very literal waste of money.
I've got an Investment Pitch Deck ready to go - but, when you're raised by a slaughterhouse electrician, and his mentally ill wife, who eventually, in your teens, rouses herself to stumble into the care sector, in a rural, working-class community, and you never have enough money to live in communities which are not working class, you don't really get to meet investors. Or learn how to approach them when your life doesn't really allow for smooth, flawless, glossy businesses - it's more scrap, scrabble, and drag everything you've got from the jaws of defeat.
I applied to go on next year's series of The Apprentice - but I couldn't afford to get to London on a week's notice for the filtering day. I wouldn't have been able to arrange for anyone to support me in London, on the day. (Are there still such things as sighted guides? If so, how do you get hold of them? Do you have to pay?)
It. Costs. Money to remain alive.
I'm obliged to top up my prepayment electric meter to clear the standing charge, even if I were to never use electricity.
I'd still get a water bill, even if I never turned on a tap, and never flushed the toilet - groundwater and rain still drain through my guttering, my sewage pipes, into the aspect of the sewers I get charged sewage rates for.
My town council believe I should pay them £120 a year for the dubious "privilege" of living here, my district council would like £128 a year, while my county council are pleased to inform me they believe they provide me with over £1k's worth of services annually (something I very much doubt, but there's no way to argue with them...), and then the Police and Crime Commissioner would like almost £200 a year. Even if I literally never left my house, never ate, never flushed the toilet, never drank tap water, and never engaged in any activity in my house, I'm obliged to stump up.
I am fortunate in that I own my house outright - except not that fortunate, because that's only the case because my Dad died 13yrs ago, when he was 61, and had diligently paid into life insurance through two rounds of recession-linked unemployment, and seven months of terminal illness. I received a half-share - £75,000 - and was able to find the house I'll probably be obliged to remain in for £69,500. I experienced homelessness, insecure housing, and having to return to live with a violent abuser prior to getting roof-over-head security, to which I can't actually afford to make some pretty major repairs the insurers won't cover.
If my Dad hadn't died...I might well have done, because it wouldn't have been safe for me to remain living with the violent abuser, and, even though I was employed at the time, I didn't earn enough to be accepted for any private sector rents. I am a trans man, and the 'man' part was enough for my local authority to directly tell me "We're not obliged to house males. You're not at risk if you end up sleeping rough." (Everyone is at risk if they're rough sleeping, ffs...)
I do not live in an area where people pay masculine-looking, male-identified folk whose dicks are dishwasher safe for sex. Even if I did, or I could get to another area, that sort of thing happens after dark, and we've already established I'm night blind.
I tried to register for OnlyFans - they expect you to have "government issued photographic ID" - in theory, that should include my disabled bus pass, which would be acceptable ID for arriving in Jersey by ferry - but is not acceptable for parading myself on the internet.
I could probably sell my wife's underwear somewhere online, as "lightly worn" - but then most of whatever people pay for that sort of thing would have to go on replacing it.
The Right to Work checks, part and parcel of State-sanctioned racism, mean you can't just "go and get a cash in hand job as a waiter or something" - and we've already explored just how bad my sight loss would make me at actually doing food service, anyway.
People in my area do not want naked waiters at private dinner parties. People in my area don't have private dinner parties - they think they're fancy if "tea" is Burger King, rather than McDonalds.
If I could drive, I could probably do Yodel, Evri, taxi work - but I can't, so there's that.
In theory, if I had a bike, I could do Deliveroo and Just Eat - but I can't see well enough to ride safely in the insane level of traffic we have, day in, day out. Plus I can't see house numbers. Or touchscreens. I probably wouldn't actually be able to read the label on the order, honestly, especially if it was raining, so my glasses were useless. And I can't afford a bike.
The local market seems to be pretty well saturated with drug dealers, and, besides, I can't afford to buy the product to get started. And I've always been absolutely hopeless at sales. (That's nothing to do with any disability - I'm just crap at it.)
Dog walking, pet sitting - you have to have insurance, and you're expected to take the darlings to nice places, which means being able to drive. Plus, there's loads of bloody dog walkers setting up round here.
When I was in my teens, before the expectations of vehicles and insurance came about, I did do dog walking, and pet sitting, and really enjoyed it. But now? I wouldn't be able to compete with someone who can load half a dozen dogs into a van, and let them off lead in a wood for an hour.
Same thing happened in my twenties with proofreading and copywriting, which I used to do freelance - initially, I got priced out by teenagers in India, who could work for £2 a time, and now they'll have been put out of a job by AI. (Plus I can't actually see well enough to proofread anyway, now...)
Because I can't drive, I have no hope of getting enough clients for cleaning or gardening to make even basic living - and I'm crap at gardening, too. I can dig holes, I can pull weeds, I can push a lawn mower, but that's about it. I literally kill anything green that is in earth I'm responsible for. And I have had horrifically bad experiences with peoples' attitudes around the idea that a man knows how a mop and vacuum cleaner works, and that the tile in the shower needs to be cleaned, as well...
I would go in for bare-knuckle boxing - I used to be a pretty handy kickboxer, before I knackered my ankle - but it's probably held somewhere I can't get to on public transport. Plus, I'm not supposed to engage in "extreme" sports, because my retina is apparently exceptionally fragile, and my optic nerve is already very badly damaged... (Ffs, eyes...man up! You don't get anywhere being some woke snowflake soyboy, you know!)
So, Universal Credit it is.
Officially, I've been tossed into the government's Outer Darkness for the Most Reprehensible and Irrepentent of All Sinners, Limited Capacity for Work Related Activity - that was a work coach's decision, not mine, and based on the impracticality of many of the work-related activity claimant commitments, given the extent and impact of my disabilities and health issues, my limited ability to travel, my kinship care responsibilities, and the recent previous experience I'd had with two separate employers, who both kicked me out for being disabled, whilst both identifying as Disability Confident.
As you've seen, I'm trying to get a business established, with literally no resources, financial, social, logistic, or otherwise, and I'm also applying for jobs. Just this morning I had three "thanks, but no thanks" emails, and I was also rejected, without interview, from a job with an organisation I'd previously volunteered with, and where they'd said they'd really enjoyed having me. (Lesson learned - there is literally no benefit to giving away your labour.)
Well, what do you want from a job, then?
What I want is for The Productive Pessimist to take off. If I could make £25-35k a year, I'd want to do a lot more business than that, but I'd be okay with doing that.
£25k, after tax and the rest, would only see me needing to do 3 Discovery Sessions a day, five days out of 7.
I'd only need to get 4 retained consultancy clients, at £8k a year.
It should be so achievable, but, in reality, it's so far away. I can see it, I just can't see how to get to it. There's a gulf between where I am, and where that basic level of success is, and I don't know how to cross it.
While I'm trying to figure out how to cross that gap and make The Productive Pessimist viable? Ideally, I'd like to consolidate the leadership, EADI, project management and lived experience skills I have into a senior executive or NED role in the non-profit space, somewhere I have considerable leadership experience, including current Board level experience.
But I'm aware those are very few and far between, ones which can be worked fully or mostly remote are rarer still, and there's an impossible amount of competition, from people who are a lot better connected than I am.
So, I'll consider most things, if I can physically do them, and reliably and safely get to them. If I'm expected to commute, I'm not doing that for the minimum wage any more - minimum £35k if I have to travel for more than 20minutes. I'll accept minimum wage and upwards for genuinely local roles, and those with the convenience of being fully remote.
You can check out my CV if you like - click here for that.
What's stopping you?!
£25k, after tax and the rest, would only see me needing to do 3 Discovery Sessions a day, five days out of 7.
I'd only need to get 4 retained consultancy clients, at £8k a year.
It should be so achievable, but, in reality, it's so far away. I can see it, I just can't see how to get to it. There's a gulf between where I am, and where that basic level of success is, and I don't know how to cross it.
While I'm trying to figure out how to cross that gap and make The Productive Pessimist viable? Ideally, I'd like to consolidate the leadership, EADI, project management and lived experience skills I have into a senior executive or NED role in the non-profit space, somewhere I have considerable leadership experience, including current Board level experience.
But I'm aware those are very few and far between, ones which can be worked fully or mostly remote are rarer still, and there's an impossible amount of competition, from people who are a lot better connected than I am.
So, I'll consider most things, if I can physically do them, and reliably and safely get to them. If I'm expected to commute, I'm not doing that for the minimum wage any more - minimum £35k if I have to travel for more than 20minutes. I'll accept minimum wage and upwards for genuinely local roles, and those with the convenience of being fully remote.
You can check out my CV if you like - click here for that.
What's stopping you?!
Well, in my last two jobs, overwhelmingly, Access to Work.
In the first case, they didn't respond for almost a year - by the time I got a call from them, the organisation had "had a rethink" around how the role I was in was supposed to operate...and had decided that role's focus should be on something I couldn't physically do, being blind.
In the second case, they took nine months to actually respond (so...they're improving, I guess?), but then were very much "Well, what do you feel you need?" - I had no idea, beyond "a screen reader which can handle our project back office". They were, I learned later (too late) supposed to do a site visit, talk to leadership, and my direct line management...they didn't do that. So I ended up with JAWS (Job Access With Speech) which...was horrible to use.
JAWS is widely acknowledge to have a "significant learning curve" - I had no support, was given no protected time to figure JAWS out, and was managing multiple high-impact projects, ALL with significant project team dysfunctions. Mostly on my own, having not had an induction into my role, because my line manager loudly howled that he had "no idea" how to even begin showing me what to do, because he couldn't work with my computer display at the magnification I used, I couldn't see his at all, I didn't have a screen reader at that point... So I was given the Employee Handbook, and a link to ScrumMaster theory, and told to get on with it. (I wasn't put forward for ScrumMaster certification, because "I don't know if you'd actually be able to do it, because you struggle with videos and graphics and things, and we usually send people to an in-person course, but that's in Peterborough, and I don't know how well you'd manage getting around there..." So, I ran Scrums without any formal training - and, apparently, did it very well. But that's not something you can showcase elsewhere, is it?)
Where I live.
Last year, I availed myself of the opportunity to have a free course of engagement with a disability-experienced mentor. She was also registered blind, which was great.
Her only piece of advice? "I think you need to move out of Lowestoft."
So do I, but that's not remotely affordable, and probably never will be.
Lowestoft's idea of "job creation" is to waste large buildings, with underwhelming "creative and cultural installations", whilst "creating" two paid jobs, and a whole lot of "valuable volunteer opportunities in the creative sector." (I've already mentioned my evidence-backed views on volunteering, and "the creative sector" doesn't tend to do a lot of paid offers, from what I've seen - it limps along, bopping from Arts Council grant to Arts Council grant. And, trans or not, as a masculine-presenting, straight, white male, I am not what the Arts Council wants to be seen to be funding. Perhaps if I'd ever had a racist 4Chan phase that I'd since recovered from, I'd get a toe in, but not as a generally decent, fairly open-minded basic straight white guy. I can't blame the Arts Council, really - there's a lot of toxic, mediocre history to undo in "the creative sector", honestly.
We keep getting promised "significant offshore opportunities" - but I don't have the skills for those, I probably don't have the eyesight for them, and gaining relevant qualifications is going to cost money I don't have. Plus, the "opportunities", significant or otherwise, haven't really materialised so far, and they've been promised for almost as long as I've been here.
95% of the jobs in Lowestoft are "in person, on site" and insist that a "full UK driving licence and own transport" are "essential requirements". So, that's me out, then.
Oh, come on - you're just another millennial snowflake who "doesn't dream about having jobs", aren't you?
I'm a millennial.
Probably, by virtue of being trans, and relatively unbothered by peoples' gender identity, genitals, pronouns, or skin colour, a "snowflake."
But I do have a "dream job". Several, in fact.
Primarily, my dream is to see The Productive Pessimist Ltd succeed - I'm working on that, as hard as I can, in the limited ways which are actually available to me.
If that can't ever work out, my next dream job would be being a non-profit CEO. Again, I'm doing what I can to gain the level of experience I'd need to access that.
Finally, I wouldn't mind being a newspaper or magazine features writer, running a pet shop, or working in a niche, luxury lifestyle boutique, or art gallery. I've tried the first - I couldn't figure out how to unlock the doors to that world.
I don't have the capital to pursue the second, since getting a foot in the door requires extensive, expensive, animal care qualifications, and the only other option is buying a business out of retirement. (There is one locally the owners have been trying to sell for years - I don't have £80k kicking around.)
I've also applied for jobs in the final category, on multiple occasions, to different businesses. I've never even got an interview.
The thing you need to understand is, the Jobcentre, DWP...they just want everyone working for minimum wage in their mates' retail, care home, and night club businesses. That's the limit of their ambition - for their clients, and for Britain.
And that's okay - I've done those jobs, when I was younger, when I didn't have a wife to provide for, and a home to keep up. When I wasn't going blind, with several other health impacts joining the chorus. Other people I know do those jobs, they do them well, and they enjoy them.
But I'm at a point in my life not just where I want something more, but where I need it - because my disability means I can't do those jobs any more.
I need a job I can do for the next 35-40 years.
And those jobs don't meet that requirement.
I'm not sorry for being so personal.
I'm not sorry for the length of this post.
I'm not sorry for what I'm going to ask of you - that you share this post, as widely as you can.
I'm just
Ash.
Founder and Director of The Productive Pessimist Ltd.
A straight white male.
One of those "Disabled benefit claimants" you're being told is getting thousands of pounds a month for sitting around on their arse.
If you'd like to hire The Productive Pessimist Ltd, or are in a position to invest in the business, please reach out by email: theproductivepessimist@yahoo.com
Read about how disability can be an asset
Read about where we've come from, and where we want to go
View our full range of services
In the first case, they didn't respond for almost a year - by the time I got a call from them, the organisation had "had a rethink" around how the role I was in was supposed to operate...and had decided that role's focus should be on something I couldn't physically do, being blind.
In the second case, they took nine months to actually respond (so...they're improving, I guess?), but then were very much "Well, what do you feel you need?" - I had no idea, beyond "a screen reader which can handle our project back office". They were, I learned later (too late) supposed to do a site visit, talk to leadership, and my direct line management...they didn't do that. So I ended up with JAWS (Job Access With Speech) which...was horrible to use.
JAWS is widely acknowledge to have a "significant learning curve" - I had no support, was given no protected time to figure JAWS out, and was managing multiple high-impact projects, ALL with significant project team dysfunctions. Mostly on my own, having not had an induction into my role, because my line manager loudly howled that he had "no idea" how to even begin showing me what to do, because he couldn't work with my computer display at the magnification I used, I couldn't see his at all, I didn't have a screen reader at that point... So I was given the Employee Handbook, and a link to ScrumMaster theory, and told to get on with it. (I wasn't put forward for ScrumMaster certification, because "I don't know if you'd actually be able to do it, because you struggle with videos and graphics and things, and we usually send people to an in-person course, but that's in Peterborough, and I don't know how well you'd manage getting around there..." So, I ran Scrums without any formal training - and, apparently, did it very well. But that's not something you can showcase elsewhere, is it?)
Where I live.
Last year, I availed myself of the opportunity to have a free course of engagement with a disability-experienced mentor. She was also registered blind, which was great.
Her only piece of advice? "I think you need to move out of Lowestoft."
So do I, but that's not remotely affordable, and probably never will be.
Lowestoft's idea of "job creation" is to waste large buildings, with underwhelming "creative and cultural installations", whilst "creating" two paid jobs, and a whole lot of "valuable volunteer opportunities in the creative sector." (I've already mentioned my evidence-backed views on volunteering, and "the creative sector" doesn't tend to do a lot of paid offers, from what I've seen - it limps along, bopping from Arts Council grant to Arts Council grant. And, trans or not, as a masculine-presenting, straight, white male, I am not what the Arts Council wants to be seen to be funding. Perhaps if I'd ever had a racist 4Chan phase that I'd since recovered from, I'd get a toe in, but not as a generally decent, fairly open-minded basic straight white guy. I can't blame the Arts Council, really - there's a lot of toxic, mediocre history to undo in "the creative sector", honestly.
We keep getting promised "significant offshore opportunities" - but I don't have the skills for those, I probably don't have the eyesight for them, and gaining relevant qualifications is going to cost money I don't have. Plus, the "opportunities", significant or otherwise, haven't really materialised so far, and they've been promised for almost as long as I've been here.
95% of the jobs in Lowestoft are "in person, on site" and insist that a "full UK driving licence and own transport" are "essential requirements". So, that's me out, then.
Oh, come on - you're just another millennial snowflake who "doesn't dream about having jobs", aren't you?
I'm a millennial.
Probably, by virtue of being trans, and relatively unbothered by peoples' gender identity, genitals, pronouns, or skin colour, a "snowflake."
But I do have a "dream job". Several, in fact.
Primarily, my dream is to see The Productive Pessimist Ltd succeed - I'm working on that, as hard as I can, in the limited ways which are actually available to me.
If that can't ever work out, my next dream job would be being a non-profit CEO. Again, I'm doing what I can to gain the level of experience I'd need to access that.
Finally, I wouldn't mind being a newspaper or magazine features writer, running a pet shop, or working in a niche, luxury lifestyle boutique, or art gallery. I've tried the first - I couldn't figure out how to unlock the doors to that world.
I don't have the capital to pursue the second, since getting a foot in the door requires extensive, expensive, animal care qualifications, and the only other option is buying a business out of retirement. (There is one locally the owners have been trying to sell for years - I don't have £80k kicking around.)
I've also applied for jobs in the final category, on multiple occasions, to different businesses. I've never even got an interview.
The thing you need to understand is, the Jobcentre, DWP...they just want everyone working for minimum wage in their mates' retail, care home, and night club businesses. That's the limit of their ambition - for their clients, and for Britain.
And that's okay - I've done those jobs, when I was younger, when I didn't have a wife to provide for, and a home to keep up. When I wasn't going blind, with several other health impacts joining the chorus. Other people I know do those jobs, they do them well, and they enjoy them.
But I'm at a point in my life not just where I want something more, but where I need it - because my disability means I can't do those jobs any more.
I need a job I can do for the next 35-40 years.
And those jobs don't meet that requirement.
I'm not sorry for being so personal.
I'm not sorry for the length of this post.
I'm not sorry for what I'm going to ask of you - that you share this post, as widely as you can.
I'm just
Ash.
Founder and Director of The Productive Pessimist Ltd.
A straight white male.
One of those "Disabled benefit claimants" you're being told is getting thousands of pounds a month for sitting around on their arse.
If you'd like to hire The Productive Pessimist Ltd, or are in a position to invest in the business, please reach out by email: theproductivepessimist@yahoo.com
Read about how disability can be an asset
Read about where we've come from, and where we want to go
View our full range of services
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