What the heck do you even know about what I'm going through?!
A very good question - there are a lot of people who get their "understanding of mental health challenges" from pop psychology books, or a two-hour online course, no contact with the real world needed.
A very good question - there are a lot of people who get their "understanding of mental health challenges" from pop psychology books, or a two-hour online course, no contact with the real world needed.
That's not where my understanding comes from.
I was diagnosed with schizophrenia following a serious (and violent) psychotic break in 2007.
I've been on high-dose antipsychotics (Lamotrigine and Quetiapine combo - which followed a Risperidone prescription, which turned out to be absolutely disastrous for me.)
I've recently been able to transition to benzodiazepines, which I use alongside naturopathic condition management, which in my case includes real-food vitamin profiling and elemental therapy, with journalling as a mindfulness technique.
At the moment, my symptoms are primarily slightly disordered thinking, occasional paranoid psychotic thoughts (mostly around helicopters...which...no idea where that comes from), and intrusive thoughts. That's fairly good, in contrast to how things have been for me, and how they could be.
I've also lived with severe clinical depression since I was about 12, with my first suicide attempt carried out aged 13.
I began experiencing anxiety and panic attacks in 2017.
The depression and anxiety are managed through the same medication, naturopathy, and mindfulness work that I use to manage my schizophrenia, although the treatment is less effective; I'm not always in a psychotic state, but I am always depressed, it's rare for a week to go by in which I never feel suicidal, and I experience anxiety similarly; it's a constant backdrop, which very readily and effortlessly comes to the forefront when I'm faced with even relatively minor stressors. I have found that THC-free CBD works well for my anxiety (I'm severely allergic to THC, so I won't be smoking anything, even if it becomes legal in the UK!)
I've held positions from shop-floor retail through to leadership, in sectors ranging from finance to non-profit. I'm also a supportive carer for my wife and co-Director at The Productive Pessimist Ltd; she lives with cerebral palsy, autism, ADHD, and OCD, as well as being visually impaired (I'm also registered legally blind, but that's not relevant to this post.)
I've come to realise that working from home is best for enabling me to manage my mental health alongside work responsibilities. My anxiety and intrusive thoughts are much worse in busy, noisy environments, my anxiety also spikes when I have to be "seen by" other people, particularly people with whom I'm not familiar.
As part of my responsibilities with The Productive Pessimist, I do have to do on-site work with corporate clients, and, obviously, this can cause a rise in negative mental health experiences for me. So, how do I handle having to suit up, get out, and be around people when my brain is literally screaming at me to do anything other than that?
. I have a "work persona": This one's pretty niche, but, what can I say? I grew up mostly in the 1990s... When I need to get sh(i)t done, and get the jump on my anxiety, and schizophrenia's intrusive thoughts, I imagine I'm PC Tony Stamp from police drama The Bill! Like I said, it's niche - but it works. I feel that having schizophrenia actually helps here, as it makes it easier for my brain to accept "Oh, okay - we're this other random dude now. Cool. Let's access the memories associated with him, then..."
Using a work persona calms down my anxiety, because anything that happens isn't perceived as happening to me; it's happening to Tony. The intrusive thoughts I think settle down and shut up because my brain is fully occupied living the persona, and doesn't have the bandwith for anything more creative.
. I block my day: If I'm feeling overwhelmed first thing in the morning (who doesn't?) I tell myself that, if I get through breakfast without throwing up or freaking out, I'll head out to get the bus/train/walk to wherever I have to be.
If I make it to the bus station/train station (if I'm travelling in by public transport), I'll get on the bus/train, and see how I feel when I get where I'm going. If I'm walking to where I'm going, I'll see how I feel when I'm almost there.
Once I get nearly there walking, or I get off the bus/train, if I'm not feeling any worse, I tell myself I'll "see how I feel after the first hour."
If I'm not feeling any worse (but also not feeling better) at the end of the first hour, I'll tell myself I'll see how I feel by lunchtime.
Lunchtime gives me the opportunity to take a walk, get some air, do some grounding work, talk myself through any bad stuff I'm feeling. If I don't feel any worse (but don't feel better) after lunch, I tell myself I'll see how I feel by mid-afternoon...by the time you get to mid-afternoon, it's nearly time to go home anyway, so I might as well see it out.
If I'm not feeling any better, I know I'll need to take 2-4hrs just to be alone, in bed, calming down. I make sure I've done things like housework before I have to physically go anywhere, and I make sure I pick up snacks like nuts and fruit, which are good for replenishing B-Vitamins, which are drained by stress, as soon as I'm out of wherever I've had to be that day. I communicate with my wife throughout the day, and she is aware of the "de-stress" downtime I need, and respects that need.
I've been on high-dose antipsychotics (Lamotrigine and Quetiapine combo - which followed a Risperidone prescription, which turned out to be absolutely disastrous for me.)
I've recently been able to transition to benzodiazepines, which I use alongside naturopathic condition management, which in my case includes real-food vitamin profiling and elemental therapy, with journalling as a mindfulness technique.
At the moment, my symptoms are primarily slightly disordered thinking, occasional paranoid psychotic thoughts (mostly around helicopters...which...no idea where that comes from), and intrusive thoughts. That's fairly good, in contrast to how things have been for me, and how they could be.
I've also lived with severe clinical depression since I was about 12, with my first suicide attempt carried out aged 13.
I began experiencing anxiety and panic attacks in 2017.
The depression and anxiety are managed through the same medication, naturopathy, and mindfulness work that I use to manage my schizophrenia, although the treatment is less effective; I'm not always in a psychotic state, but I am always depressed, it's rare for a week to go by in which I never feel suicidal, and I experience anxiety similarly; it's a constant backdrop, which very readily and effortlessly comes to the forefront when I'm faced with even relatively minor stressors. I have found that THC-free CBD works well for my anxiety (I'm severely allergic to THC, so I won't be smoking anything, even if it becomes legal in the UK!)
I've held positions from shop-floor retail through to leadership, in sectors ranging from finance to non-profit. I'm also a supportive carer for my wife and co-Director at The Productive Pessimist Ltd; she lives with cerebral palsy, autism, ADHD, and OCD, as well as being visually impaired (I'm also registered legally blind, but that's not relevant to this post.)
I've come to realise that working from home is best for enabling me to manage my mental health alongside work responsibilities. My anxiety and intrusive thoughts are much worse in busy, noisy environments, my anxiety also spikes when I have to be "seen by" other people, particularly people with whom I'm not familiar.
As part of my responsibilities with The Productive Pessimist, I do have to do on-site work with corporate clients, and, obviously, this can cause a rise in negative mental health experiences for me. So, how do I handle having to suit up, get out, and be around people when my brain is literally screaming at me to do anything other than that?
. I have a "work persona": This one's pretty niche, but, what can I say? I grew up mostly in the 1990s... When I need to get sh(i)t done, and get the jump on my anxiety, and schizophrenia's intrusive thoughts, I imagine I'm PC Tony Stamp from police drama The Bill! Like I said, it's niche - but it works. I feel that having schizophrenia actually helps here, as it makes it easier for my brain to accept "Oh, okay - we're this other random dude now. Cool. Let's access the memories associated with him, then..."
Using a work persona calms down my anxiety, because anything that happens isn't perceived as happening to me; it's happening to Tony. The intrusive thoughts I think settle down and shut up because my brain is fully occupied living the persona, and doesn't have the bandwith for anything more creative.
. I block my day: If I'm feeling overwhelmed first thing in the morning (who doesn't?) I tell myself that, if I get through breakfast without throwing up or freaking out, I'll head out to get the bus/train/walk to wherever I have to be.
If I make it to the bus station/train station (if I'm travelling in by public transport), I'll get on the bus/train, and see how I feel when I get where I'm going. If I'm walking to where I'm going, I'll see how I feel when I'm almost there.
Once I get nearly there walking, or I get off the bus/train, if I'm not feeling any worse, I tell myself I'll "see how I feel after the first hour."
If I'm not feeling any worse (but also not feeling better) at the end of the first hour, I'll tell myself I'll see how I feel by lunchtime.
Lunchtime gives me the opportunity to take a walk, get some air, do some grounding work, talk myself through any bad stuff I'm feeling. If I don't feel any worse (but don't feel better) after lunch, I tell myself I'll see how I feel by mid-afternoon...by the time you get to mid-afternoon, it's nearly time to go home anyway, so I might as well see it out.
If I'm not feeling any better, I know I'll need to take 2-4hrs just to be alone, in bed, calming down. I make sure I've done things like housework before I have to physically go anywhere, and I make sure I pick up snacks like nuts and fruit, which are good for replenishing B-Vitamins, which are drained by stress, as soon as I'm out of wherever I've had to be that day. I communicate with my wife throughout the day, and she is aware of the "de-stress" downtime I need, and respects that need.
(I can't stress enough the importance of having genuinely understanding people who respect the reality you're experiencing around you. If you don't have those people, try and find them, and certainly try, if you can, to get rid of the people around you who don't understand and respect your needs.)
. I make sure I have valerian tablets and nicotine replacement pills with me: These are more acceptable in a workplace setting than CBD items - though be aware that valerian can trigger dissociative fugue states and sleep walking in people whose bodies are estrogen-dominant. I find that pairing one valerian tablet with two nicotine pills 2-3 times per day, with at least 2hrs between each dose, helps when I'm in a highly anxious state, while lower levels of anxiety which are still negatively impactful can usually be managed with the same dose first thing in the morning, and repeated once I get home.
. I have a standing accessibility demand that I am provided with all information in a plain, unfussy Word document: This not only means I can more easily engage with it in the face of my sight loss, but also helps my anxiety and intrusive thoughts: I can't "misinterpret", "forget", or "not realise", because it's right there in black and white. People can't gaslight me, because I have the receipts. If I dissociate, or my anxiety means I struggle to process what I'm reading, I can just take a minute, calm myself as much as I'm able, and re-read it.
I also make sure I do the day-to-day things: take my medication, get enough sleep, prioritise quality nutrition which works best with my body (I follow a high-protein diet, as this, combined with plenty of fresh fruit, helps keep my mental health issues stable, and also has me feeling better in myself), and setting aside time for exercise and refreshing hobbies. (In my case, exercise is weights, kickboxing, flexibility work, walking, and HIIT, and the hobbies are reading, watching documentaries on YouTube, bodyboarding, and photography.)
There's not much which has any impact on my depression, although the high protein diet does have some positive impact.
I don't have a problem working while I'm depressed - I'd feel just as bad if I were laying in bed not doing anything, and at least if I'm keeping my hands busy typing or whatever, I can't engage with any thoughts of suicide.
Employers and colleagues, however, really don't like having someone with chronic clinical depression around the place. This video goes into some quite personal, and quite upsetting, detail about just how much employers don't like having to deal with people with depression. I actually lost a job - with a Disability Confident employer, whose remit was getting people with disabilities and mental health challenges back into work, ironically - because of my depression; I got told, directly, by my manager that my colleagues "don't like you - your negativity is impacting their focus and morale." (I wasn't particularly thrilled with the way my colleagues talked about people with neurodiversity and mental health conditions, but I didn't run whining to management about it...although in retrospect, I probably should have done...)
On a personal level, I just get on with things while the depression rattles around in the background. I've gone into a previous job, back in 2009, the morning after a failed suicide attempt - because what else are you going to do when you didn't plan on waking up, but wake up despite your best efforts? How do you call in sick from something like that?
Again, working from home helps a lot - if I'm having a really bad day, and need to take a remote meeting, I just leave my camera off ("tech issues" cover a multitude of ills!) If I'm not physically around people, they can't claim I'm impacting their focus, morale, or anything else. If I need to engage in distraction activities, such as swinging some weights around, journalling, or deep breathing, I can do so without impacting anyone else in the slightest.
If I'm having a bad day with depression, and I have to take an on-site? I get on with it. I put on my suit, put on the "work persona" I mentioned earlier, and get out and get on with it. Stubbornness is an excellent survival skill to cultivate when you're dealing with chronic mental illness.
When Would I Call Off Sick Because of Mental Health?. I make sure I have valerian tablets and nicotine replacement pills with me: These are more acceptable in a workplace setting than CBD items - though be aware that valerian can trigger dissociative fugue states and sleep walking in people whose bodies are estrogen-dominant. I find that pairing one valerian tablet with two nicotine pills 2-3 times per day, with at least 2hrs between each dose, helps when I'm in a highly anxious state, while lower levels of anxiety which are still negatively impactful can usually be managed with the same dose first thing in the morning, and repeated once I get home.
. I have a standing accessibility demand that I am provided with all information in a plain, unfussy Word document: This not only means I can more easily engage with it in the face of my sight loss, but also helps my anxiety and intrusive thoughts: I can't "misinterpret", "forget", or "not realise", because it's right there in black and white. People can't gaslight me, because I have the receipts. If I dissociate, or my anxiety means I struggle to process what I'm reading, I can just take a minute, calm myself as much as I'm able, and re-read it.
I also make sure I do the day-to-day things: take my medication, get enough sleep, prioritise quality nutrition which works best with my body (I follow a high-protein diet, as this, combined with plenty of fresh fruit, helps keep my mental health issues stable, and also has me feeling better in myself), and setting aside time for exercise and refreshing hobbies. (In my case, exercise is weights, kickboxing, flexibility work, walking, and HIIT, and the hobbies are reading, watching documentaries on YouTube, bodyboarding, and photography.)
There's not much which has any impact on my depression, although the high protein diet does have some positive impact.
I don't have a problem working while I'm depressed - I'd feel just as bad if I were laying in bed not doing anything, and at least if I'm keeping my hands busy typing or whatever, I can't engage with any thoughts of suicide.
Employers and colleagues, however, really don't like having someone with chronic clinical depression around the place. This video goes into some quite personal, and quite upsetting, detail about just how much employers don't like having to deal with people with depression. I actually lost a job - with a Disability Confident employer, whose remit was getting people with disabilities and mental health challenges back into work, ironically - because of my depression; I got told, directly, by my manager that my colleagues "don't like you - your negativity is impacting their focus and morale." (I wasn't particularly thrilled with the way my colleagues talked about people with neurodiversity and mental health conditions, but I didn't run whining to management about it...although in retrospect, I probably should have done...)
On a personal level, I just get on with things while the depression rattles around in the background. I've gone into a previous job, back in 2009, the morning after a failed suicide attempt - because what else are you going to do when you didn't plan on waking up, but wake up despite your best efforts? How do you call in sick from something like that?
Again, working from home helps a lot - if I'm having a really bad day, and need to take a remote meeting, I just leave my camera off ("tech issues" cover a multitude of ills!) If I'm not physically around people, they can't claim I'm impacting their focus, morale, or anything else. If I need to engage in distraction activities, such as swinging some weights around, journalling, or deep breathing, I can do so without impacting anyone else in the slightest.
If I'm having a bad day with depression, and I have to take an on-site? I get on with it. I put on my suit, put on the "work persona" I mentioned earlier, and get out and get on with it. Stubbornness is an excellent survival skill to cultivate when you're dealing with chronic mental illness.
. If I'm in a genuine, active panic attack (okay...I'd get my wife to call in for me, because I start to spiral at the thought of telling people I can't do something I've agreed to.)
. If I've had a really bad night with insomnia (that might happen once every other month, while "dealable-with" insomnia happens typically 2-3 times a week. Again, working from home means I can work around the "regular" insomnia.)
. If I'm aware, or made aware, that I'm dissociating.
That's it. Everything else, I try and push on through it. Sometimes I have to write the day off before I've actually finished, but making the effort is what matters.
What About Looking for Work When You're on UC?
Been there, done that...and, honestly, I feel what the DWP are missing is that most people aren't saying they can't work because of their mental health; they're saying they can't manage the Jobseekers' Commitments.
If the DWP were more person-centred, individually-focused, and compassionate around how people managed their job search and other work-related activity, I think they'd see far fewer people claiming they can't work because of mental health issues.
One of the first things that overwhelms people is the "thirty five hours of work-related activity" demand. It's a lot, especially with the very limited resources that the work-related activity component of UC provides.
When I was trying to manage my mental health whilst dealing with the aggression, the suspicion, the constant criticism, of the work-related activity requirement, I handled the thirty-five hours expectation like this:
. 35hrs a week = 5 hours per day over 7 days.
. 5hrs per day:
If the DWP were more person-centred, individually-focused, and compassionate around how people managed their job search and other work-related activity, I think they'd see far fewer people claiming they can't work because of mental health issues.
One of the first things that overwhelms people is the "thirty five hours of work-related activity" demand. It's a lot, especially with the very limited resources that the work-related activity component of UC provides.
When I was trying to manage my mental health whilst dealing with the aggression, the suspicion, the constant criticism, of the work-related activity requirement, I handled the thirty-five hours expectation like this:
. 35hrs a week = 5 hours per day over 7 days.
. 5hrs per day:
> 2.5hrs (eg, 10am-12.30pm): Looking for jobs online.
> 1hr (eg, 1pm-2pm): Walking round town/nearest town looking for jobs advertised in shop windows
> 1hr (eg, 5pm-6pm): Researching businesses you noticed on your walk, & sending speculative applications if they didn't have jobs advertised.
> 30mins (eg, 8.30pm-9pm): Free choice from the following activities (different activity per day):
. Reviewing current CV presentation styles, and updating/Creating cover letter templates for different sectors/roles, which can then be tailored for specific job applications.
> 1hr (eg, 1pm-2pm): Walking round town/nearest town looking for jobs advertised in shop windows
> 1hr (eg, 5pm-6pm): Researching businesses you noticed on your walk, & sending speculative applications if they didn't have jobs advertised.
> 30mins (eg, 8.30pm-9pm): Free choice from the following activities (different activity per day):
. Reviewing current CV presentation styles, and updating/Creating cover letter templates for different sectors/roles, which can then be tailored for specific job applications.
. Updating LinkedIn profile/work-focused blog.
. Researching what skills gaps you may have, and courses which are affordable/accessible that would fill them.
. Mind-mapping strengths, skills, and jobs they could be relevant for.
. Mind-mapping possible self-employment/freelance opportunities.
. Identifying and reaching out to individual, personal contacts who may have work leads.
. Looking for relevant volunteer opportunities.
This should enable you to manage your Commitments around actually dealing with day to day life, and gives you a broader sphere of potential opportunity than just traditional jobsearching.
I also find that having a weekly "To Do" list, with between 5-7 items per day, helps with my anxiety; if I'm having a bad day, it's easier to see what I can move to other days, or what I can do from other days that is less intensive than the things I had scheduled for the "bad" day.
The Productive Pessimist Ltd offers Life & Success Coaching, by and for those living with disability, neurodiversity, mental illness, and other systemic barriers, for just £15 for the first session, and £10 per session thereafter.
We are LGBTQIA+ inclusive, and trans-affirming.
Want to book your first session? Drop us an email: theproductivepessimist@yahoo.com
. Researching what skills gaps you may have, and courses which are affordable/accessible that would fill them.
. Mind-mapping strengths, skills, and jobs they could be relevant for.
. Mind-mapping possible self-employment/freelance opportunities.
. Identifying and reaching out to individual, personal contacts who may have work leads.
. Looking for relevant volunteer opportunities.
This should enable you to manage your Commitments around actually dealing with day to day life, and gives you a broader sphere of potential opportunity than just traditional jobsearching.
I also find that having a weekly "To Do" list, with between 5-7 items per day, helps with my anxiety; if I'm having a bad day, it's easier to see what I can move to other days, or what I can do from other days that is less intensive than the things I had scheduled for the "bad" day.
The Productive Pessimist Ltd offers Life & Success Coaching, by and for those living with disability, neurodiversity, mental illness, and other systemic barriers, for just £15 for the first session, and £10 per session thereafter.
We are LGBTQIA+ inclusive, and trans-affirming.
Want to book your first session? Drop us an email: theproductivepessimist@yahoo.com
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