Su*c*de Awareness Month

 

TW: Mentions of su*c*dal ideation, su*c*de attempts

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September is Suicide Awareness Month, with next week (Tuesday 10th September) being Suicide Awareness Day.

Employers

As an employer, you are probably never going to know if any of your team have attempted or considered suicide.  It's not something people are supported or encouraged to talk about in their workplaces.  

It's actually still frequently seen as "selfish", as "undermining morale"  as "unfair to management and colleagues" for people to even mention anything more than being a little 'down' or 'anxious' at work.

Even in the context of burnout, junior employers frequently get the response, when they try and raise how they're feeling, and seek support, of "Everyone is struggling right now. You need to focus on how you can help your colleagues."

If 'everyone' on your team is struggling? Your leadership isn't effective. That may be because you're in burnout, too (I've been in a situation where the entire team, as well as the manager, were in burnout. It's not fun.) It may be because you're a new manager, or new to leading in a particular sector, and you're not getting the support you need - but what it isn't is 
a) Okay

b) Anything to do with your junior team members

and
c) Your juniors' responsibility to resolve.

Most often, unfortunately, the first someone's manager or employer will know about a colleague feeling suicidal is the last thing anyone will ever  know - that that person ended their own life.

Sometimes, however, there are points at which intervention could, and should, be made which get missed, because team members are assumed to be "attention seeking",  "lacking resilience",  or "whining."

What could those points look like?
. A previously high-performer's work standards dropping off
. Someone being frequently absent when this is not common for them
. An individual becoming more argumentative with colleagues
. A team member not contributing to meetings, when they have previously shown good engagement
. Someone who has previously been enthusiastic about social events choosing not to attend team get-togethers
. Someone regularly attending virtual meetings with their camera off, when this isn't something they will usually do
. Someone taking on more responsibilities, even when it is clear they are at capacity (this one is the one that most often goes completely unnoticed, especially if it doesn't involve paid overtime, because hey, who doesn't want to not have to worry about the workload, because there's this one team member who'll always put their hand up for it?)

. Someone making "dark humour" jokes about suicide

And sometimes, there genuinely are no signs.  I, for example, have gone into work the morning after a failed suicide attempt, and just...got on with the work I had to do that day. I had wanted to die, I'd taken actions which should have resulted in me dying, I didn't die...and I woke up in time to get showered, dressed, and get the bus to work. 

So that's what I did.

After all, what was I supposed to do? I was alive, I didn't feel unwell, I just...was sincerely and deeply unhappy, I didn't want to be alive, but I was, and there was nothing medically wrong with me, so of course I should go to work.  I was also on hourly pay at the time, so not showing up would mean I would have lost around £80 for that day's work - £80, at that point, was groceries and electric for the month. Of course I went to work.

No one noticed anything 'off' about me. I was just the same person I'd always been.

So, if  the signs of suicidal ideation are subtle, or even non-existent, if they can just seem like someone who's a bit frustrated, or maybe needs to take some annual leave and get some perspective, what can you, a busy, overworked, overstressed leader, trying to meet the needs of all of your team members, trying to meet the expectations of your managers, and the demands of stakeholders, actually be expected to do?

1. Have a maximum taskload for your team members. Set it at the same level for everyone.  Yes, different team members will have different responsibilities, but they should have the same number of responsibilties.  Keep a running capacity tracker, where team members - including you! - upload their responsibilities.  Be aware of when people - including you - are approaching their taskload limit.  Include inter-personal 'task' commitments in this capacity  tracker; the things which need to be done, but often aren't seen to be done. If you really want to go above and beyond, encourage staff to add their domestic responsibilities - kinship care, chronic condition management, etc - lead by example here! 

2. Enforce annual leave. It can be easier to let the fact that particular staff aren't taking their full annual leave entitlement slide; after all, there's too much work to get done, it never ends, it helps to have someone whose out of office isn't seemingly on every other week. Ask your team members what specific dates they need/want off as annual leave; if it doesn't add up to their full entitlement - assign the rest of their entitlement for them. (This also helps avoid multiple people being off at the same time, or everyone being in during a slow period for the business.) 

3. Make time to listen to team members when they express frustration, exhaustion, burnout, etc. Don't blame them, don't 'remind' them that 'everyone is struggling. Hear them. Validate them. Ask them what they feel would help them - and do your best to accommodate their response.

4. Be individualistic with rewards. For example, I have a real aversion to eating in front of other people, and am also dangerously allergic to soya, which is frequently used in 'snack' or 'treat' foods.  To me, doughnuts, pizza, team meals out aren't "rewarding" for me - they're actually extremely stressful for me to deal with.  For me, a 'reward' is being given public recognition and praise, and additional, recognised responsibilities. Other people, however, may really enjoy food-based rewards, and that's fine. Reward people according what individuals value, not what you feel is "nice."

It's also relevant to point out that 'referrals to Occupational Health' are often seen as 'the first step in a planned dismissal process' by staff, especially those who are experiencing mental health challenges.

Friends
One of the most common ways that friends try to address suicidal ideation in their friends is actually one of the most harmful to those experiencing mental health challenges - talking about "how many people will miss someone" if they take their own life.

If you genuinely believe you'll actually miss someone if they were permanently not around - act like it when they're present. Make time and space for them. Invite them to places they don't have to find money to be at. Go and sit with them if they don't feel like going out. Text them, call them, leave them voicenotes, send them memes - whichever is their preferred form of communication.  Buy or make them small gifts. Spend money on treats for them, according to your budget and their preferences.

People do not owe you their presence. Someone's suicide isn't about you. It isn't 'selfish' - suicidal people genuinely and sincerely believe that people will be happier, and the world a better place, if they aren't around.

Make time for people. Make people feel welcome and wanted in your life.

If you are feeling suicidal
. You are not selfish
. You are not manipulating people
. You're not overreacting
. You don't "lack resilience"
. The world doesn't require anything of you - there's nothing you need to do to 'earn' or 'deserve' your place here - you deserve to be here just because you are.  This sounds trite, I know, but it's true. The world just happens to have us humans - it doesn't expect or need anything from us. 
. You don't have to feel happy about being alive. You are not a 'bad person' for not being 'grateful for what you have.' Again, trite, but actually true.

Society
How do we, as a society, reduce the number of people choosing to end their lives?

It starts with parents, it starts with primary schools. It starts with bullying not being seen as a "normal part of childhood".  It starts with children not being raised to believe they can behave unkindly to things or people they dislike, or are frightened by - every time I see little kids - 2,3, 4 years old - being encouraged to chase, stomp, and scream at pigeons and seagulls, I worry that these kids will grow up to believe that violent, aggressive behaviour towards people they personally object to, or are told to object to - by their parents, by the media, by teachers, by peers - is not just acceptable, but completely normal.

As a society, we need to freely give everyone the resources to succeed - decent, secure, private housing, secure, safe, private outdoor space, meaningful, well-paid work if they are able to work, and a genuinely decent, strings-free, income equivalent if they are genuinely unable to work, even with compassionate, person-centred intervention and free-to-them support, access to nature and inspirational architecture, access to the arts and creativity, the ability to have pets and art in their homes without paying additionally for the privilege, the ability to easily access potential investment in business ideas, as well as affordable support to create business plans to present to investments.

We need to be more collaborative, and less competitive.

We need to stop the belief that certain jobs, body types, genders and interests are more valid than others.

We need to stop just "saying it how it is" when 'how it is' is only actually our impression of 'how it is.'  It's opinion, not actual fact, and those opinions cause harm, either directly or indirectly, to others.  The world will not end if we don't verbalise every single thing that comes into our head - especially when it's about other people.

We need to stop normalising gossip as "part of social bonding", and especially stop presenting a dislike of, and distaste for, gossip as "misogynistic" - which is justified by the claim that "women rely on gossip to build and strengthen social connections."  Gossip isn't 'harmless'. If you know it would sound callous and uncaring to say something to someone's face, don't say it behind their back, unless you are talking to a qualified therapist, with a view to processing feelings you're having about them."

Life is genuinely hard without other people butting in and making it worse. If you don't have any answers and can't offer support - then just stay back from people who are going through it.

For the non-suicidal
People who are suicidal aren't "attention seeking". They're not "causing drama."
Failed suicide attempts aren't "proof" that the person "doesn't actually want to die" - especially not in countries like the UK, where it's not easily possible for people to get hold of firearms. Our bodies are wired to live - even when our brains have given up on the idea. It's how people survive extreme weather conditions or life-altering injuries/illnesses, after all.
Suicide is complex. Some people will only reach the point of suicide after they have faced multiple setbacks, and have tried everything to pull things around.  Other people will reach that point after what seems like 'the very first' setback - perhaps something that is their very first setback.  Some people will reach the point of suicide because of things other people have done, other people because of personal situations and challenges. And yes, some people will endure things which see other people considering, attempting, or successfully enacting suicide - that doesn't mean those in the latter groups are "weaker than other people" - life admin isn't the gym; it's not the case that if you can't lift as much 'life' as someone else, you're objectively weaker than them.

As poet Simon Armitage observes in one of his poems: "It ain't what you do; it's what it does to you." (link to the full poem)

People are very quick to howl "Be kiiiiiiinnnnddddd!!!!" when they feel attacked, or in the aftermath of a prominent suicide - but, the minute it's not about them, the minute it's part of "social gossip drama", that all flies out the window, and suddenly they're "just telling it how it is."

If someone asks me for support in enacting chosen change, I will include constructive criticism in that - pointing out what they're doing that's not great, and how they can change those around. And I will keep that private.

Do I have opinions on people? Of course I do - everyone does. But I'm aware those are just that: opinions. Some people, I actually know things about, for certain - but, unless those people pose harm to others, I don't discuss what I know. (And if they are posing harm, then I only mention the things I know which add to other peoples' informed consent around interacting with that person. Warning other people is necessary, because having that information may keep people from getting into a situation which could end with them feeling suicidal about what happens because of the situation they got into.) We need to remember that we often only see what people want us to see. Unless we have a close connection to someone, including knowing the truth about their background, we don't really know them, and, therefore, shouldn't be talking about them. What they're doing or saying at a particular point? Sure. But not them as a person. 

People are often very quick to claim there's "nothing you can do to stop people taking their lives; if they're going to do that, they'll do it no matter what you do or don't do."  That's not always true.  My suicide attempt - the one I went to work after failing at - was prompted mostly by the stuff that was going on in that workplace, which included verbal and physical abuse, rumours being spread about me, s*xual harassment around the fact that I had a Black girlfriend at the time. Did I have other challenges going on? Of course; but those challenges wouldn't have led me to even consider suicide if I hadn't been having to deal with the workplace drama on a daily basis, and if the situation hadn't been that I technically couldn't "just leave", because the job was part of a 'welfare to work' scheme, so if I'd walked out the job, without another to go to, it would have resulted in a DWP sanction, which would have seen me be evicted from my social housing, because I would have had no means to pay my rent; I may even have been in line for prison time, because I wouldn't have been able to pay my council tax. (Fortunately, I'm in a significantly better place now.) So, sometimes, there is something you can do - commit to not making peoples' lives harder just because doing so fulfils some twisted need in you.

Maybe being a decent, supportive, compassionate person won't trump whatever someone else is going through, and they will still feel that suicide is their only realistic choice. But it's not going to cost you anything, or harm you, and it gives everyone a better run through life.

If you've been impacted by this article, and are in the UK, please reach out to Samaritans. They have email and text message options for those who are non-verbal, or who struggle with verbalising highly emotive issues.