How To Make Sure You're NOT Fired

 

Have you been watching BBC One's The Apprentice over the past few weeks? (or years, for many of us?!)

Here at The Productive Pessimist, our Director, Ash, has been a fan of the show from the beginning - he even got an audition for the 2011 series! (Unfortunately, he was out of work at the time, and ended up having to go to a less illustrious job interview on the same day... he didn't even get the job... the paths we didn't take, eh?)

We all sort of know, the way we do with all 'reality' shows, that it's probably not as disastrous as it seems. Editing can tell a completely different story to what actually went on, and how many of us would actually tune in every week to see people being competent, capable professionals? (Our bosses tell us that's what we go to work for!)

However true or constructed it may be, all we have to go on as far as the capabilities of the wannabes are concerned is what we see when we switch on. Which...isn't always that inspiring, let's be honest.

At The Productive Pessimist, we're not about pointing fingers and jeering.  You don't know what you don't know, performing under pressure is terrifying, working with people you don't know very well is...weird, honestly.  And that's all the case when there's not a £250k investment from one of the most prominent businessmen in the UK on the table.

What we thought we'd do instead is our own little Apprentice Masterclass; kick off a new month, and a new season, by picking up a couple of issues from each of the past five challenges on The Apprentice, and giving our thoughts on them.  Not "what you should've done", but "why you shouldn't have done that, and something to consider for anyone who ends up in a similar situation."

Of course, it's easy for us to take this apart from a distance - maybe we wouldn't have been any better if we'd been there. Maybe the contestants were a lot better than they were edited to be.  But, we do what we can, and a bit of free business advice never hurt anyone, especially not in this economy!

So: The Apprentice: MBA Masterclass
Task One: Corporate Away Day

> Business Basics: Trial run everything. Time everything. Do at least two trial runs. Then double your slowest time.  No one has ever complained about sitting in relaxing surroundings with a leisurely drink.

> Situation Specifics: If you are in Scotland, on a luxury corporate away day, you serve Scotch. Preferably something you won't find on the shelves of any English supermarket.  Include Scottish mineral water and a cordial of tayberries, gooseberries, raspberries, and strawberries (all native berries) for the non-drinkers, as well as quality tea, coffee, and hot chocolate.

Task Two: Cheesecakes

> Cheesecake Basics - Avocado belongs on toast, in a bagel, as vegan scrambled egg... it has no business being anywhere near a cheesecake!

> Business Basics: When you are doing bespoke work, unless you are 'f-k off prominent', and people are coming to you specifically for what you do (a position which takes decades to achieve), you are led by what the client wants. They shouldn't have to tell you what their brand colour is - it should be obvious. (If you're colourblind - let them know, and ask; it will make you look both self-aware and courteous.)

> Situation Specifics: Okay, so your brand is all about chocolate, but you've been landed with a client whose brand is all about healthy eating, fresh fruit... What do you do? 
You do this:
1. Take two cups of strawberries, a cup of fresh figs, and half a cup of honey. (Keep one strawberry and half a fig back)
2. Roughly chop the figs and strawberries.
3. Blend the figs, strawberries, and honey into a puree.
4. The puree will add a sweet, chewy, caramel-like texture to your cheesecake, when you use it as a filling.
5. Halve your strawberry, and top the cheesecake with each strawberry half either side of the halved fig.

Task Three: Virtual Escape Room

> Business Basics: A virtual escape room may be online, but it's not just another computer game. 

> Situation Specifics: When the people you're pitching to ask "Is it supposed to be..?", they're guiding you to the answer they want to hear. Go with that - enthusiastically.

> What Would I Have Done? Probably screwed up horribly, because I'm useless with that level of computer work! My concept, however, would have been set on the Titanic, with the premise being to solve clues to get a place in the last lifeboat. (Would it be any good? No idea - if someone wants to make it, go for it; just chuck me 1% royalties if you manage to sell it, okay?)

Task Four: Jersey

> Business Basics: Negotiations always start with "where could you be at?" (buyer to seller.)  Never throw a really lowball offer without acknowledging you're being cheeky, and treating it like the joke it is.

> Situation Specifics: Make the phone calls first. That gives you your route.
Once you have a route, most of your work is done.  And make sure you know which part you're measuring!
If you're in a place with a different culture, and you don't recognise the name of one of the items you've been asked to get - buy a guide book. It will probably get a mention, with a picture. (This is assuming you don't have internet access, in which case, Google it.)

Task Five: Formula E

> Business Basics: Stick to a muted, neutral base when you're selling advertising spots.

> Situation Specifics: Don't sell when you've been asked to explain.

That's your starter for 10 - we'll be back here on the 1st April (yep...seriously...couldn't make it up!) with some more Business MBA on a Budget from the trials and tribulations of the ever-decreasing Apprentices... See you then!