On International Men's Day

International Men's Day. It's on the 19th November every year. Try and remember that, guys - it gets a little bit wearing for everyone when you whinge on, all over posts for International Women's Day (8th March) about "when's my day, huh?!" (it's very much not giving Alpha energy - it's giving three year old at their sibling's birthday party. But if that's the look you want...)

What is the point of International Men's Day?

As for International Women's Day, International Men's Day both highlights challenges men face, discussing the root causes, and thus potential solutions, of those problems, and celebrates men's achievements.

In contrast to International Women's Day, this "highlight and celebrate" is considered...well...a bit awkward when it comes to International Men's Day - because when we say "men" in the UK, most peoples' minds default to "financially comfortable, able-bodied, mentally well, middle class white, cisgender men." Very likely, most people would even include "heterosexual" in that default description.

And...errr...a lot of Western society's problems are caused by financially comfortable, able-bodied, mentally well, middle class, white, cisgender, heterosexual men.  (Just consider how shocked people are, and how hard it is for us to process the reality, when non-white, non cis-het men support policies which cause problems in society. Think about how readily financially impoverished men are vilified for holding right-wing political opinions, and gay, trans, disabled and 'insane' men are vilified for holding left-wing political opinions.)

A lot of men who aren't even close to being in a position to cause societal problems are still complicit in exacerbating them. That's a lot more visible than women's complicity in societal problems - often because women are aware when they are causing or exacerbating problems, and are therefore very subtle and quiet about it, while men create and exacerbate problems loudly, typically because they genuinely believe they're engaged in solutions. 

Lack of self-awareness is perhaps the singular problem both with and for men.  

When you lack self-awareness, you perceive any kind of criticism as an attack; fundamentally, the 'selfish thoughtlessness' that many women point out in men is rooted in the insecurity that a lack of self-awareness causes; when you aren't aware of the way you move through and impact on the world, you feel fundamentally ill at ease; people are reacting to you and your behaviour, but you don't realise they're reacting to you, and so everything feels like it's happening "completely randomly", and that people are "kicking off for literally no reason!"

How can men - or anyone - address a lack of self-awareness? Because it isn't acceptable to expect or demand that other people walk on eggshells around you, or constantly explain themselves to you.

. Increasing your self-awareness starts with working on your anxiety.  In men, anxiety often presents as anger/rage.  If you can't access therapy for whatever reason,then journaling is a really good habit to get into, and can be adapted for whichever form of communication (one-liners, verbalising, artistic, long-form) is most comfortable and natural for you.

It's not shameful to be anxious - the world is a pretty unnerving place, honestly, and even without humans being horrific to one another, our very existence, and the existence of our planet, in a state which was immediately able to support life, is...a bit sus, and therefore cause at least for a little bit of worried consideration, if nothing else.

Working on your anxiety is a long-term proposition, but one which has some very rapid gains.

. Once you've got engaged with working on your anxiety, the next stage of self-awareness is simply to ask, every time you read a headline or watch a YouTube or TikTok video "what other takes on this could there be?" If you find it more engaging to be a bit competitive, and challenge either yourself or a friend to come up with as many alternative positions as possible, and write them down.

This is an easy, low-stakes way to get comfortable with the idea that your opinion isn't the only one, and your immediate assumptions may not be correct.

. Once you no longer feel any level of discomfort from identifying other interpretations of information in private, extend it to the public sphere - instead of immediately agreeing or disagreeing with someone, consider what the alternatives to your instinctive reaction might be - and try voicing those alternatives, particularly when you're either inclined to argue with someone, or to agree with someone other people are arguing against.

Over time, this conscious process of challenging your first thoughts will shift to an unconscious questioning of every assumption you make, every position you encounter, and every "fact" you come across.
At first, this will make you feel somewhat isolated from those around you, but, especially if you remain socially active, you'll begin to draw like-minded people to you, and create a new, more expansive circle of friends.