There's a lot of talk these days about "boundaries". Every other social media post tells you that "boundaries are important." Half of the rest of the social media posts mock the entire idea of boundaries, and insist it's all part of the "woke agenda".
But what are boundaries, and how do you hold them whilst still enabling people, including the strangers who may become your collaborators, your team members, or your customers/clients, to approach you freely?
What are boundaries?
A boundary, in human psycho-social terms, is a requirement you have around the way people behave and interact with you. It needs to be expressed, because expected people to "just know" what your boundaries are is unreasonable; people aren't psychic.
Many open-access spaces include signage about zero tolerance of verbally or physically abusive behaviour towards their staff - that's a poorly stated boundary, because everyone's idea, particularly of verbally abusive behaviour, will be different. For example, some people will consider a person raising their voice to be "verbally abusive", whilst another person may not even consider someone smacking a counter to be "physically abusive." Many people, particularly women and marginalised people, are uncertain about whether they'll be accused of "overreacting" if they call even extreme behaviour out as abusive - particularly when it comes to verbal abuse.
A better way of stating the zero tolerance boundary would be:
"In this space you are required to remain polite and focused. You are required to speak calmly, and to address our staff respectfully, without using disparaging language. Your hands should not be used to strike furniture, walls, or persons, nor to emphasise a spoken point."
The phrasing of "remain polite and focused" is a neuro-linguistic trick, which causes people to default to a form of behaviour they assume they had already been exhibiting, rather than triggering them into a reaction of resentfully and aggressively thinking "I am polite! I am focused!" which a phrasing of, for example, "Please be polite and focused" could result in.
Another boundary can be requesting that staff in hospitality venues be called to a table simply by the party requiring attention raising their hand, rather than calling out, clicking their fingers, or wolf-whistling.
Boundaries are necessary to protect staff, colleagues, and, indeed, clients, but they need to be communicated clearly, but they also need to be assessed in terms of "will this compromise how open we can be?"
This is also true of the individual boundaries people - your staff, your colleagues, and your clients - will have for themselves; those boundaries need to be clearly stated, but they also need to be assessed by those individuals in terms of "will this compromise how open and engaged with others I can be?"
An example of personal and professional boundaries I have, for interacting with me as and individual, or with The Productive Pessimist as a business:
. Personal boundary:
"Please don't touch my to get my attention."
This boundary is informed by negative experiences in my past, and also the present fact that my combination of sight loss and hearing impairment means I don't see or hear people approaching, and therefore I'm typically startled by being touched by someone wanting to get my attention.
I follow that boundary up with "opening a door" -
"If you need me for something, please approach on my left hand side, and calmly call my name, in a slightly raised voice. I don't have any sight in my right eye, and I have an extreme startle response. Please wait until I have turned towards you before you start speaking, as I have hearing loss in my left ear, as well as Auditory Processing Disorder, and so I will need a few moments to fully focus so that I can be confident I'll hear you properly."
. Professional boundary:
"Please contact The Productive Pessimist by email in the first instance."
But what are boundaries, and how do you hold them whilst still enabling people, including the strangers who may become your collaborators, your team members, or your customers/clients, to approach you freely?
What are boundaries?
A boundary, in human psycho-social terms, is a requirement you have around the way people behave and interact with you. It needs to be expressed, because expected people to "just know" what your boundaries are is unreasonable; people aren't psychic.
Many open-access spaces include signage about zero tolerance of verbally or physically abusive behaviour towards their staff - that's a poorly stated boundary, because everyone's idea, particularly of verbally abusive behaviour, will be different. For example, some people will consider a person raising their voice to be "verbally abusive", whilst another person may not even consider someone smacking a counter to be "physically abusive." Many people, particularly women and marginalised people, are uncertain about whether they'll be accused of "overreacting" if they call even extreme behaviour out as abusive - particularly when it comes to verbal abuse.
A better way of stating the zero tolerance boundary would be:
"In this space you are required to remain polite and focused. You are required to speak calmly, and to address our staff respectfully, without using disparaging language. Your hands should not be used to strike furniture, walls, or persons, nor to emphasise a spoken point."
The phrasing of "remain polite and focused" is a neuro-linguistic trick, which causes people to default to a form of behaviour they assume they had already been exhibiting, rather than triggering them into a reaction of resentfully and aggressively thinking "I am polite! I am focused!" which a phrasing of, for example, "Please be polite and focused" could result in.
Another boundary can be requesting that staff in hospitality venues be called to a table simply by the party requiring attention raising their hand, rather than calling out, clicking their fingers, or wolf-whistling.
Boundaries are necessary to protect staff, colleagues, and, indeed, clients, but they need to be communicated clearly, but they also need to be assessed in terms of "will this compromise how open we can be?"
This is also true of the individual boundaries people - your staff, your colleagues, and your clients - will have for themselves; those boundaries need to be clearly stated, but they also need to be assessed by those individuals in terms of "will this compromise how open and engaged with others I can be?"
An example of personal and professional boundaries I have, for interacting with me as and individual, or with The Productive Pessimist as a business:
. Personal boundary:
"Please don't touch my to get my attention."
This boundary is informed by negative experiences in my past, and also the present fact that my combination of sight loss and hearing impairment means I don't see or hear people approaching, and therefore I'm typically startled by being touched by someone wanting to get my attention.
I follow that boundary up with "opening a door" -
"If you need me for something, please approach on my left hand side, and calmly call my name, in a slightly raised voice. I don't have any sight in my right eye, and I have an extreme startle response. Please wait until I have turned towards you before you start speaking, as I have hearing loss in my left ear, as well as Auditory Processing Disorder, and so I will need a few moments to fully focus so that I can be confident I'll hear you properly."
. Professional boundary:
"Please contact The Productive Pessimist by email in the first instance."
I don't feel this boundary is restrictive enough to require an "open door" follow up; okay, so some people "don't like" email, but it is accessible for most people, especially as The Productive Pessimist typically deals with adults in professional work roles.
At The Productive Pessimist, we typically respond to emails within 8hrs, and always within 48hrs at most, so getting in touch with us by email won't leave anyone waiting too long.
Someone in leadership may be overwhelmed with emails, and state their own boundary in their first contact with us: "Could you contact me by phone to continue this? The best times for phone contact are ---" That's fine - especially when the best times for phone contact are included in the boundary/request. Telling someone when a good time to call you would be is a "door opening" in the boundary of "please contact me by phone" - which, on its own, can cause anxiety, can be a concern for someone who uses hearing aids, cochlear implants, etc, and needs to ensure they have no background noise in order to comfortably make a phone call.
Can boundaries be negotiated?
In very specific, highly limited situations, yes.
An example would be requesting that someone contacts you by phone, when the person you're making that request of is non-verbal, has a speech impediment, or has severe hearing loss; they may need you to facilitate contact in a more accessible way.
Similarly, someone may see one of The Productive Pessimist's social media posts, & feel overwhelmed at the thought of even opening their emails; they may therefore simply respond to that post, mentioning that they are not in an emotional space to cope with their emails at that point - yes, they have crossed our boundary by ignoring our "email in the first instance" request, but they have explained why they are doing that, which is an attempt to negotiate that should be respected.
How to Maintain Openness
Boundaries are important, but they should never become fortresses. There should always be at least one "gate" in your boundaries - the "door" that you "open."
It can be difficult to balance openness with boundaries; a key aspect of this is to ensure you're using boundaries to reflect and affirm confidence, rather than to conceal fear.
It's okay to feel anxious, about anything, in any situation - but boundaries are not the answer to handling your anxiety, your trauma, your bad past experiences.
For every boundary you consider, ask yourself:
1. Why do I feel I need this?
In the case of the example boundaries I've given, they're both needed to mitigate disabilities I have.
2. What will I do if someone tries to negotiate this boundary with me?
When it comes to the first boundary, about how to initially get my attention, I don't take negotiations; I'll just ignore you, because there's no reason you can't work within the boundary. (Especially as I always physically indicate my "left side", to make it clear to people what I mean.)
With the professional contact boundary, I'm fairly relaxed about figuring out a way to meet prospective clients where they are - as long as I have a suggestion of a time to contact them by phone, I can work with that, & I've become more comfortable ending a call with "If it's okay, I'm just going to drop you a text summarising my understanding of our conversation; as I have some mild hearing loss, it reassures me to have physical confirmation that I've followed a conversation correctly; if there's anything I've misheard or misunderstood, please do feel free to correct me by text." This still avoids the other person having to deal with emails, but equally meets my disability accommodation needs.
Boundaries don't always need to be about mitigating or accommodating disability; they can simply be for peace of mind, for helping with focus and organisation - but they should always come from a place of confidence, rather than anxiety. They are to keep your frustrations, distractions, stress, etc in, not to keep other people out.
At The Productive Pessimist, we typically respond to emails within 8hrs, and always within 48hrs at most, so getting in touch with us by email won't leave anyone waiting too long.
Someone in leadership may be overwhelmed with emails, and state their own boundary in their first contact with us: "Could you contact me by phone to continue this? The best times for phone contact are ---" That's fine - especially when the best times for phone contact are included in the boundary/request. Telling someone when a good time to call you would be is a "door opening" in the boundary of "please contact me by phone" - which, on its own, can cause anxiety, can be a concern for someone who uses hearing aids, cochlear implants, etc, and needs to ensure they have no background noise in order to comfortably make a phone call.
Can boundaries be negotiated?
In very specific, highly limited situations, yes.
An example would be requesting that someone contacts you by phone, when the person you're making that request of is non-verbal, has a speech impediment, or has severe hearing loss; they may need you to facilitate contact in a more accessible way.
Similarly, someone may see one of The Productive Pessimist's social media posts, & feel overwhelmed at the thought of even opening their emails; they may therefore simply respond to that post, mentioning that they are not in an emotional space to cope with their emails at that point - yes, they have crossed our boundary by ignoring our "email in the first instance" request, but they have explained why they are doing that, which is an attempt to negotiate that should be respected.
How to Maintain Openness
Boundaries are important, but they should never become fortresses. There should always be at least one "gate" in your boundaries - the "door" that you "open."
It can be difficult to balance openness with boundaries; a key aspect of this is to ensure you're using boundaries to reflect and affirm confidence, rather than to conceal fear.
It's okay to feel anxious, about anything, in any situation - but boundaries are not the answer to handling your anxiety, your trauma, your bad past experiences.
For every boundary you consider, ask yourself:
1. Why do I feel I need this?
In the case of the example boundaries I've given, they're both needed to mitigate disabilities I have.
2. What will I do if someone tries to negotiate this boundary with me?
When it comes to the first boundary, about how to initially get my attention, I don't take negotiations; I'll just ignore you, because there's no reason you can't work within the boundary. (Especially as I always physically indicate my "left side", to make it clear to people what I mean.)
With the professional contact boundary, I'm fairly relaxed about figuring out a way to meet prospective clients where they are - as long as I have a suggestion of a time to contact them by phone, I can work with that, & I've become more comfortable ending a call with "If it's okay, I'm just going to drop you a text summarising my understanding of our conversation; as I have some mild hearing loss, it reassures me to have physical confirmation that I've followed a conversation correctly; if there's anything I've misheard or misunderstood, please do feel free to correct me by text." This still avoids the other person having to deal with emails, but equally meets my disability accommodation needs.
Boundaries don't always need to be about mitigating or accommodating disability; they can simply be for peace of mind, for helping with focus and organisation - but they should always come from a place of confidence, rather than anxiety. They are to keep your frustrations, distractions, stress, etc in, not to keep other people out.
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